I think I've come to the conclusion that the only reason 'we' don't talk is because i tell you everything anyway. You don't even need to ask.

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music


And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart


And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall


All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better


I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart


I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music


Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart

Definitely worth the $2.19

H.

Its all over. Bring on next year and all the disappointment. 


H.

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down.

You. Inspire. Me.


H.

You know what, I'm sorry to spam, and I told myself I wouldn't write this, in the spirit of all things Christmas, but its been a full day and its still eating me up inside ( or that could be just the many helpings of Christmas dinner deciding to resurface). Actually, I realise that my love of national holidays is such that nothing that anyone can ever do could compare to my over exaggerated expectations, but still I think given the effort I went to at least a thank-you would have been nice? You know, I don't even care if you don't even bother send me even a card, but the polite thing at least is to accept my token of kindness with good grace and appreciation. I guess you never learnt that life lesson.

Disclaimer: You are probably thinking 'oh-shit he's talking about me again' and you'd probably be dead wrong, again. If you have even the slightest doubt, go with it. 


H.

We've always been great friends yeah? So what are we now?




H.


I, its your move.

Somehow I missed it. All of it. I think I even knew, way back when, the initial encounter proclaimed, and a new title was staked out for the making. But since that fateful day all knowledge of existence had escaped this mind until now, and now, I feel like I've missed the real you, for all those months. I guess, the writing was always on the wall, just not one I could see ( but only hear).




H.

I will not be one of those "Thanks everyone for all the birthday wishes" people. I will reply. Individuality. 




So, this is it. Is it? Well I mean technically I'm only four hours in, but really I know. In fact, I somehow knew it was always going to be this way. The epitome of the perfect night out. The ones who wished they could, but couldn't, as usual. The ones who said they would but wouldn't, as usual. The ones who said the should, but didn't, as usual. And the one I missed the most, and missed me too, as usual.

Why expect anything less than the expected? Otherwise disappointment is sure to ensue.




H.

I think, I've become less brave.

You might've noticed I don't write on here as often any more. Rest assured nothing has changed. I still write just as much, I just don't have the guts to press 'publish post'  any more.




H.

you know, I know that you know. But you already knew that.




H.

This part of me loves the guy I am now.
That part of me hates him.

This part of me loves where I'm at.
That part of me can't wait to grow up and have security.




H.

maybe you wouldn't have to worry about your virtual footprint if you had put as much effort into the real world? #justsaying.


H.

You shouldn't feel obliged to come, just because it's a birthday. You should want  to come, just because it's me. And that, right there, is all  the difference.


H.

This is the third attempt at writing this. The first was too specific, enough details to ruin many a surprise. The second was so arrogant even my extreme modestly (joke) was making me cringe. Third time's a charm yes?

So I know that this is probably coming far too late, considering I've heard talk of organising presents for people with birthdays as far off as January, but please, don't buy me anything.

I'd prefer a card with a genuine message over anything any day. The things I want in this life can't be bought with money, and so a simple hug, the obligatory 'happy birthday', and a renewed subscription to your friendship is all I could ask for.

Something with thought  and effort is worth more than anything. See, I have money, I can buy things. I can't buy you.

On the off-chance you're super organised, disregard this message.

H.

How can I be the solution when I'm the problem?

H

So boycott love, detox just to retox
And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life
Imperfect boys with their perfect lives
Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy


H.

The very fact I'm even writing this seems just all to cliché. It may be better suited to the depths of some inner journal, diary even, but the simple fact I don't own one has meant you all get to see these thoughts.

*cue the thinking music*


What can I say? It's just been that sort of week (well three days, so far). Flashback to Sunday night and I found myself somehow neck deep into a conversation I had never really had, well in any great detail at least. All things I'd thought I'd considered before, dismissed, not for me. You made me question myself. You, without even realising it, had caused a major frame-shift.

"I was going to ask about your opinion."

"That's going to take awhile"

 And, I don't think I can answer that now, even with 36 hours of contemplation. But, I guess it takes some people their entire lives to figure these things out.

And then, by sheer coincidence I found myself having the same conversation with the other party of thinking. And for whatever reason, although in complete agreement, I found myself in defence. Strange. This particular you-tube video (which started the conversation) in all its creative logical argumentative was saying all the things I'd been saying for the past 10 years, and yet I still felt sceptical about the sceptic.

And as if I hadn't had enough I decided I'd catch up on Glee, Season 2 Episode 3 to be exact. And yet more fuel to the fire. And I guess, nothing's really changed, I just felt the need to write down these thoughts for further contemplation.

In some way, I miss the act of going but not necessarily the teachings. And I'll happily admit lulling myself into believing does almost provide a limited sense of belonging, but then the absurdness of someone like me  believing dawns and the feeling vanishes as quick as it came.

Maybe, I need to broaden my experience. Without any offence intended, I think the week-long exposure in June of last year alienated my thinking more than recruiting me, which I'm sure you're going to say wasn't the point, but there was always that element to that experience. I think, going forward, I need to try something less (full on?) for want of a better adjective.

H.

You confuse me.

You confuse me.

You don't understand me.

You do.




H.

The world goes around, unbeknownst to you.




H.

Effort: earnest and conscientious activity intended to do or accomplish something


Maybe, contrary to the past year's thinking, it is not always a measure of effort. Instead its the simple question on whether its there to begin with. For if you really do 'make the effort' with some people, more often than not this act of kindness/kinship/whatever else you were doing is not a conscious decision, and such really can't be termed as an 'effort'.  Conversely, when it feels like you have to put in work just to talk to someone (aka effort), perhaps you should tell them this, and save yourselves a great deal of trouble.


H.

Strangest feeling... almost as if I've forgotten how to live? You see, I'm not used to spending nights at home in Melbourne? I mean sure, I have stayed down here several times during the year, but usually for the purpose of 'going out', and hence don't usually have the problem of trying to fill this void with something. And with everyone busy busy busy with exams and work and exams and work and their respective lives, I'm sitting here wondering what I'm supposed to be doing with mine?






H.

Have you ever lost your mind, finding streets you couldn't find?




So I'm back in the big smoke. Just thought you'd like to know.




And our day was based on fantasy, but we never knew.


H.

Don't forget to vote! ->


(or if you're reading via RSS, stop being lazy and make two clicks. :P)




H.

times like these, I'm thankful I spent the extra $$ on this pc. H.

p.s. go to sleep!

J.

The PMS feelings of angst can't always be cured with hormone replacement therapy. Sometimes good old-fashioned shouting achieves the same goal.




H.

you don't get to know that...

where's the fun if I just gave you all the answers?

surely you'd rather find the meaning of life out for yourself?

or maybe not.

H.

Ps. have I told you how much I love you lately? Strictly in a friendship-platonic way... of course...

and of course the irony is that everyone in Geelong thinks I'm in Melbourne, and everyone in Melbourne thinks I'm in Geelong.


H.

A person who stands for nothing spends their whole life sitting. Though I get tired, I need to sit down sometimes.

H.

You know, at the end of the day, this all comes back to jealousy. I can't help it, and I don't know why. I thought I outgrew all this shit, but the simple fact that I assess the state of my life in comparison to you, is a testiment to how untrue that is. Why I can't just be grateful for what I have, I don't think I'll ever have an answer to.

The stupid little petty things, like how many facebook friends you have, how long has it been since someone posted on your wall, or even just how often people talk to you.

And the thing that most shits me off, is not the fact that I could never win, but the fact you don't even have to try. I spend my whole life trying to please people, you don't even bother making up excuses for not putting in the effort, and yet everyone still would choose you over me anyday.

Life afterall is just one big popularity contest I suppose.

Its times like these (circa 3am) I wonder why I chose to do this... the world said NO, but I ignored everything in my usual fashion, and now I'm here, destined to fail (at life).  This hole just gets deeper and deeper everyday, and I'm beginning to become weary of all the digging.

maybe its time for bed. maybe its time for a holiday. maybe its time to end these 12-hour days at uni. actually I lie. Its more like 14 now. no wonder I'm fucking tired of hearing about RBCs, disease and pedigrees.

on the up-side, just like the shopping centres and casinos, here, no view of day (or night) can be seen, the false sense of timelessness providing false illusions to all the last minute studiers.


H.

Remember that day, when there was nothing left to burn, so we had to set ourselves on fire?


H.

Like seriously though, this has been a bitch of a week.


H.

You know, I'm not [entirely] sure I should have shown you, and I'm not even sure why I did? 

H.


p.s the sailor's hat was me showing my 'on the high seas' costume to Jaz. Nothing to do with anything.

"says he who just discovered the library!"




J.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering why I set myself up to feel this way. Sure, its pretty sucky, but why do I care? So I say things that get ignored? Thats life, yeah?

But then the thing is, it costs me at least $30 and three hours of my time to even think about seeing you, even brushing off newer, more convenient friendships to 'make the effort', and so I find myself wondering why I put up with it?

Sure, the fact that I moved away in the first place really makes the extra effort my problem, and the other half of this sentence was going to involve the 'but' clause, however its sinced occured to me that there really isn't any precedence.

Despite all of this, my characterisation of 'friendship' still relies proportionally on my perception of your 'effort', in my own opinion at least. And so its now when I'm lying in the darkened Melbournian bedroom I'm thinking that perhaps I should just drive back to Geelong, but then it makes the whole 'effort' of coming back for nothing, not that this is all that unusual.

Jealousy- fate's fickle friend.


H.

"have you forgotten how to fly?"

This was supposed to be the post about how much i love the football. About how the minutes of tension leading up to the first bounce, the anthem, the siren, give the sense of joy like nothing else... But now, well we're not even mentioning it.

Why do I take amusement in the most ludicrous of things? Today's chuckle moment comes as late-line-business live-crosses to a London at 11.17pm this very evening. With the courteous "welcome to late-line business"  , "Thank-you and good morning."  I have become quite amused at the oblivion to our local time.



also on the news front, WHY is it so amusing when readers stumble? Its almost as if the only reason I watch the news is so I can see Mal Walden or Helen Kapalos loose there train of thought mid-sentence.


H.

Obviously I'm incapable of ever adequately knowing what you see in that place, and I'm beginning to realise that it may just spell the end of this. But then something tells me that's what its designed for in the first place.


H.

Its not anyone's fault, the logical me knows that. This doesn't take away from the fact its made me really shitty presently, coincidentally after yet another 4-hour sleep day.

Its partly just bad luck, and mostly the moody state I'm in bringing this on, the logical me knows that. This doesn't take away from the fact that I am majorly fucking annoyed with the world.

I shouldn't judge these people so readily, the logical me knows that. This doesn't take away from the fact that people like you shouldn't be allowed into the members. What the fuck is the point in paying $1100 to still have to sit in front of you. We all know you were only allowed in on your guest pass because Australia feels sorry for you.

This is just life. This is fucking not fair. Nothing I ever do changes anything.

In case you hadn't heard, the inevitable happened. It only lasted 255 days, but it was good while it lasted.


H.

The machines say he's still alive?


What about us? We don't have any beeps or wires or little white dots telling us? How do we know? I guess we just take each other's word...


Maybe we know from what people expect from us?








H.

Sunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsunsun....

Today, the weather is 'happy' and thus, so am I.

H.

Ps. I even wore shorts!

Why is it, that no matter how long you wait you always manage to burn your mouth on chicken and sweet corn soup?




H.

This is the part where the angst comes out.
This is the part where I brand you with the well-worn iron.
This is the part where you know what happens next.




H.

that's some bad hat harrison jay hughes.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually do have anorexia.... but then I remember the large mac meal I had for lunch.


H.

It usually helps, and yet rarely we want to.

Today it would.




H.

Don't you just hate it when you spend so long trying to find that perfect present for someone, that when you get home you realise it's too good to part with? #sigh




H.

I've come to the conclusion that you can gauge how .friendly' a certain area is by the number of unsolicited 'good mornings' you recieve.

This morning whilst along the Barwon river running/walking/exercising i recieved seven in the space of 5 minutes.

H.

There's something I feel I need to confess [amongst other things]....

So although you may [or may not... depending on how well you know me] think I'm strong willed, or something similar, to be honest I'm easily influenced.... PARTICULARLY BY TELEVISION.

It started many years ago, and as I grew older with more freedom [and such more control of my own life] I find it starting to become a little bit of a problem. Most notably last year with the first season of Master Chef, I somehow got myself so absorbed with cooking &c. that I had a whole Christmas In July party [complete with presents and a tree...] just as an excuse to make a croquembouche, amongst other things.

Sometime during year ten when Grey's Anatomy first aired was coincidentally when I decided I wanted to do medicine or similar at uni, and in fact just tonight whilst watching Bondi Vet  I found myself questioning why I hadn't considered being a vet, this was of course before Recruits which instilled a sense of reassurance that, if I don't do so well on the GAMSAT that I can always join the police force. But most ridiculously, owing to the fact that iPrimus (my ISP) has ABCiView unmetered, I've recently been watching a show called 'Grand Designs' which for the ignorant follows a different British couple every week who are on a quest to build their dream house. Tonight's episode featured a Yorkshire couple who bought a 16th century castle's ruins and were rebuilding it to it's former glory. Guess what? My new dream is to live in a castle. This of course, will come after I've made a living working as a surgeon, whilst owning my own restaurant and working as a vet on the weekends.

But you know what the worst of all is, Skins. After every episode (and recovering from the depressing thoughts of how boring my life is compared to them) I feel a compulsive urge to unearth the true rebel within.



H.

'so guess what time the train comes'
'what, like ...7:05?'
'7:03.'

J.

And this, is what you're missing.

In the summer of 69, those were the best days of my life.

10 up and still going strong. Somehow, i don't even care. I hope you got that much. :)

And that my friends, is what geelong is all about.... :) +7

you're you. and that's all i can think of.






J.

Why?

Today I think i'll take the scenic route.

Tomorrow I'll deal with life.

Later on I might decide.

I can feel myself moving, with the sway and jolt of the carriage, but everything else seems wrong...

Somewhere between Werribee and Little River is a stretch of land so desolate that not a light can be seen on this cloudy night.

Combined with the garish fluorescent reflection on every window, all outside sight is blinded, yielding the strangest sensation of stagnation. I just hope that sooner or later we do actually reach south geelong.

H.

Need i say more.... ?

I will though, and you knew that already...

For the record, i'm really not liking the concept of everyone behind me reading me type this, but I shall cope, for now.

'are you ready for the epicness in grand proportions?'

i'm going to say yes, but i'm really not sure.

H.

I tried, I really did. I always thought the distance would kill everything, but somehow I grasped at some sort of hope that maybe, maybe I could defeat what they said would happen. Whats life without hope after all? Though, really, I were always irrelevant. 'Me'.

You know though, I shouldn't be surprised. 


I get it, I really do. And besides which, you're not the only one. I guess I just thought it'd be different somehow. Like the x years of knowing me would somehow affect something. And  just for the record, just because you're polite and go along with the things I say/do doesn't mean I don't know that you feel like you should be making the effort.

Sometimes[now], I just feel used.



H.

The so-called angsty post has been replaced by nothing, because if the past 18 months have taught me one thing, these things won't trigger change, and thats ultimately what i'm looking for.

 Sometimes you really are an 




H.

Sometimes I think i'm effie, and when I do I feel overwhelmingly guilty on behalf of freddie, panda, katie, cook, jayjay.

Sorry.

Sometimes it occurs to me that I am two different people, and it scares me, sometimes...

And sometimes I think that i should tell someone, but then I remember the coward that I am.

But then sometimes I just don't care, yell 'fuck the world' at the top of my lungs and realise it doesn't even matter..., sometimes.

This day has potential, its pregnant.

Its just so good to be home... Now that I'm here. But change is always refreshing at first. I give myself a week till I want to go back.

And if its crossed your mind that I have uni in 10 hours, and work in 5, I know, I should be asleep. I am in bed though, and I was trying, but you can blame the ridiculous overnight shift I did last night and then accidentally sleeping in till 3 this afternoon, as to why I'm not even tired now.

You know what, I must like this place more? Yesterday I was in the same position, 4 hours till work, pressure to sleep for fear of retribution (in the form of tiredness) later, and yet now I really don't seem that worried. Maybe that has something to do with 'who' I am here. The luxury of starting fresh 5 months ago was ultimately a godsend.

Maybe it's just a welcome distraction from everything that went down these past three weeks? Although, I'm not sure the resolution was the one I wanted, still. And so every night as I lie in bed I ask that same question, 'who am I?', the answer still unknown. You know, this don't feel right, but then who knows what we feel?

I know its just the way timing worked, but that still doesn't mean it doesn't annoy the hell out of me. WHY? Jealousy appears to be the answer, and the root of all evil. Just don't forget me or who you are.

I miss you already, and we weren't anything to start with. I hate this. And I hate the way he could guess straight out. In both respects.


I think, sometimes.
H.

We made plans to kiss the sun at night- hopeless dreamers, hopeless times. Shedding skin you show your beauty scars- don't forget me or who you are. You know this don't feel right. Who knows what we feel?


I just met you, I can read your thoughts. What they tell me is what I want. I keep you guessing, I keep you wanting more 'cos where we're going no-one knows. You know this don't feel right. Who knows this could feel right? I just met you, I swear I read your thoughts, so don't forget me or what you want. 


Light up the stage, make your move and give me something, So I can dance in your light and to your rhythm. Who we are in this masquerade of stars. Tear off the mask, the face you hide is one I'm missing.


We made plans to kiss the sun at night- hopeless dreamers, hopeless times. While we're standing, while we're standing still. I won't forget what was promised you.




You know this don't feel right.




Who knows what we feel?

H.

we've moved to http://sub-vocal.blogspot.com/, update your address-books!


H.

...then why am I sitting here wishing you would call and give me an opportunity to say 'yes'?


This is just fucked up.


I am just fucked up.








H.

I got my hands up- they're playing my song and I know I'm going to be ok, but somehow I knew this was bound to happen. who was I kidding? You know what, indecision or not I am sorry. And for the record I still don't know, and didn't want to say- I know if I did you'd always think their was/is hope. And so I said those fatal words and it was done, feeling almost instantly like I'd made the wrong decision, but the quiet regret is only the consequence of plaguing guilt, right? The full circle. The start and end almost poetic, same place, same time, different month. Just like that, the butterflies fly away- its a party in the USA.




I saw those tears trying to escape.


I saw the emotion you tried to hide.


I saw the doubt in your words.


I saw the logic in your thinking.


I saw you.


I saw the excuse in my apology.


I saw how pathetic I am.


You saw the true me.




H.

And just like that, the reserved silence was broken by the fractured sentences of anguished words. The usual calm banished for the quiet resentment and lonely emotions. The waves of unrest billowing out across the house, as the disagreement came all too much to bare. And then came the inevitable why?




H.

what to do when your so-called 'best friend' or 'bff' does something to betray you....



gotta love Dr. Phil 

H.

For what its worth, I do miss you.

Why the duck do you get to sit there and make me feel so damn inadequate. Piss off already, and get the duck out of my life.

There's something about these moments....

Maybe today it has something to do with the realisation that more often than not, its full circle. Start the day staring back at yourself, using the two minutes of brushing to think about the things ahead, the apprehension, the expectations. End the day staring back at yourself thinking about those regrets, the accomplishments, but in the end all thats really happened is time.

Just as I enjoy the slow breakfast with a friend after a big night, an ensuing silence resulting only by mutual acknowledgement that some words are best left unspoken, broken by periodic smirks as memories of preceding events resurface.

And that time somewhere between when I should have gotten up and when I did, is plain golden.

But most of all I love the hours never planned or though to have existed, when time miraculously appears and you find yourself on your best friends couch catching up on thier life. Sometimes, its moments like this you need.

H.

Don't you just hate being wrong? More specifically the day after you've published your wrong-doing on the internet for everyone.

So it wasn't from you, and Ben's description while accurate, was quite misleading. It was however, from the mysterious ordering clerk from Flinder's lane who realised the similar credit card details and differing addresses. None-the-less the title 'to the zine giver <3' was enough to cause my brother the thinking he was.

I think, sometimes.

H.

was what I was supposed to write several hours ago, then didn't. And now, I don't remember what I had to say, but in any event I'm almost positive it was me being me. For some strange reason, whenever I feel remotely bored/lonely and I stupidly decide to watch some unhappily ever after movie, it gets me feeling really depressed. Go figure.

Several other reasons why this was a long time coming are as follows, and strictly speaking they were supposed to appear individually, but given I'm typing this via email(on my phone) 8 hours before i'm due back at work I really couldn't care less. :P

It occured to me last thursday night whilst playing 'I've never...', a drinking game for those inexperienced, that a long standing regret(?) perhaps is no longer. That moment will always be there, but now I think about it, it shouldn't be one in the first place.

Moreover, sometimes I think you speak like you own the world, and honestly, your ignorance really suprises me, but, this is not my place to judge.

If what my brother described down the phone line is accurate( yes thats right, we're all grown up and call each other now), you're welcome. AND how'd you know it was me. AND why send it to melbourne? Don't you know i'm a country kid now? Jokes.

More importantly, this morning I read an article in The Age outlining Brumby's regional action plan, in which it detailed strategies to lure younger people away from the city, with an emphasis on regional universities. A professor from Ballarat Uni said something along the lines of 'entice them here with uni, and fix the infrastructure so they'll stay'. Two things; I fit this category, I've heard this tale before. Scary part of it all is, despite my best efforts and assurances, I can see this happening. Sorry.

You low what? I think I'm a weekday friend. I've become my own worst enemy. I am trying though. :| very trying.

On a lighter note, I'm pleased to hear that I can be also the recipient of the infamous party phone call. :) good job on growing up!

Oh and before I forget, yes I have finished exams, and yes I am going to be back in Melbourne as of tomorrow. :). In other words, don't try and cash in your rainchecks, 'cos you won't succeed.

Where does the time go?

Time, a funny concept really... I was watching The Circle the other morning when one of the home shopping opportunities came on with their 'two for ones', the steak knives, and the 60 day free trial. The general essence was if you didn't like the product they'll refund the price and etc. But surely you deserve more than a refund for investing your time in a product, something you can never get back. Just a thought.

Have a happy life until we meet again. (if we ever meet again).

Do you come here much?

H.

have you checked behind the back of your desk? ('cos you wont find them here...)

H.

Happy 25 years M&D.


H.

lying here avoiding the world, trying to get the most out of the moment before the impending study forces the getting out of bed, and already you've made my day.

I'd gotten out of the wrong side of the bed without even leaving it, but I took the moment to catch up on the weekend's reading and somehow i find myself a changed person. In fact, i can't even rememberwhat the big deal was now, so i guess... Thank you.

H.

Motivation;  equivalent to 

H.

when they ask who are you?


we reply; I am me. [and that is always enough]

H.

What happened since this morning?


Maybe its just the knowledge that i'll be up in 8 hours, and i still have to get back to geelong...


actually i know its not.

Hair freshly cut- best feeling ever.

So heres the deal,

Someone invited me to their 18th about 6 weeks ago via facebook, to which I replied attending. Last week this person sent everyone whose coming a message of reminders and etc. Today I check the event page to see whose actually coming to find it no longer listed in my events. The link from the message they sent last week doesn't work either.

Logically I can conclude that either facebook is retarded, or the more likely option is that I've been uninvited. And its not like I can exactly ask is it? I wouldn't even care particularily, except I drove back from geelong for it, so now I'm back in Melbourne for no particular reason.


H.

So going out in geelong?

Taxi- $15.60 from door to door
entry into the 'premier nightclub'- $6
pot of boag's- $2.50
vodka rasp.- $3.50
the cheapest night ever- priceless. :P

AND you know what, the place is actually half decent.

The sad thing is, there's no reason to.

The reasons all disappeared the day she woke up and realised what everyone else had been trying to tell her all along.


J.

Is it sad that I know all the words to the Ajax Spray and Wipe ad?


PS. GOOOO MATTY! [MC ref btw.]


H.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking; but they're all just numbers on the screen. Then I realise that was the old me and wake up to my situation. Sure, living on borrowed time is nice while it lasts, but sooner or later the world catches you up and demands from you what you cannot give*.

The warning came many months ago when flittering away stores on whims came all too easy, so when the prophecy had fulfilled it's self, like you all knew it would, I find myself perched between the hypocritical and the world I used to know.

Somehow I always knew I wasn't ready to face the world [on my own], simple logic tells you if the loneliness birds circle whilst being surrounded by friends why would things be better when you are alone by definition?

More than anything though, is the waiting game now being played, the apprehension of finding more of those accusatory envelopes of judging nature. Resignation to the fact, what's done is done, the blame resting solely here, and the promise of non-repetition waiting to be broken.


H.


*or want to give

Is this really what you're afraid of?
The so called retribution of the blog entry, and the scathing review?
 ^unsubstantiated claims to which are only theories.

You know what, it really doesn't bother me.
 ^This realization surprises me actually. Upon thought though, I can attribute it to the lack of hope in the first place.



H.

All dressed up with nowhere to go. Story of my life.

'so did you miss me?'
'I was just about to ask the same thing...'
'yeah well its been a while, we haven't spoken in like 4 months?'
'yeah well you never text me or anything...'

and then the realisation that the whole time we've both been thinking the same thing.

H.

And then, back it all came flooding. Ducking hell. Why can't you just leave me alone? Don't you know that i told you i don't care what you think (you must be able to see through my words)?

This is what i should be expecting really.

thoughts of today;

Light Leather is darker than it seems on the dulux colour wall. the sample pot, and associated fun was still worth it.

Having the drill set to turn in the right direction usually makes things easier.

TPG and iPrimus are the most annoying things ever. At least when telstra or optus gives you the shits, you can go to their shop and yell at someone. Somehow yelling down the phone just doesn't have the same effect.

Myer Silver one membership paid off today. $20. :]

new light fittings can change rooms dramatically.

dishes will still be there in the morning, no matter how hard you wish they'd disappear.

white king and white shoes are a match made in heaven.

goodluck to stokes. good to have you back.



H.

thanks. Or not.


H.

 This is not the reason I exist.

This is not the reason I am here.

This is not the reason I belong.

This is not the reason I escaped.

This is not the reason.

You are the reason. and the reason is you.

H.

 SO its been awhile yeah? Miss me? Probably not.

Despite the fact it was almost a non-event, and the way things worked MickeyDee's did eventuate, I was glad I took the train none-the-less. I mean sure, a total traveling time of 3.5 hours for a total contact time of 4 hours seems almost not-worth it, but those golden moments served as reminders why I bothered. And you know what, I didn't even care that you and you and you didn't.

And as for the rest of the proceeding things, I can't understand why we were never better friends to start with? Maybe I was just hanging on to the fading elements of an old story, consumed to the point I was oblivious to anyone/thing else. This is changing, I think. This has changed.



H.

I had some nightmares,
clawing at my skin and bones
I nearly did explode
you smoked the demons,
gave me back my feelings;
now I am good to go
before my face hits the floor,
there's just one thing you should know;

this is for real, this time I mean it
I'm coming clean, please don't let go
I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it
I'd prefer that you keep it;
don't let go,
don't let go,
don't let go.



we tried.
a little too hard, it seems.


J.

You know, I don't think you get to question the merits of my words.


You never got the reference anyway, did you. 


Those, were YOUR WORDS. Funny how you never hear yourself properly. [I am not immune]
 
 H.

I've had enough of the dungeon for one night. I'm going home.

and before you ask...;

H.


*If that's what you want to hear.

Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just need some sleep
I've got a sick obsession, I'm seeing it in my dreams
I'm looking down every alley, I'm making those desperate calls
Im staying up all night hoping, Hit my head against the walls


What you've got girl is hard to find
Think about it all about it all the time
I'm all strung up my heart is fried
I just cant get you off my mind


Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug
Your love your love your love
I said your love, your love, your love, is my drug
Your love your love your love


Won't listen to any advice, mamma's telling me to think twice
But left to my own devices i'm addicted its a crisis!
My friends think I've gone crazy, my judgment is getting kinda hazy
My status is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead


What you've got girl is hard to find
Think about it all about it all the time
I'm all strung up my heart is fried
I just cant get you off my mind


Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug
Your love your love your love
I said your love, your love, your love, is my drug
Your love your love your love


I don't care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you're with me
But crash and crave you when you are away


So I got a question;
Do you want to have a summer party in my basement?
Do I make your heart beat like a native drum?
Is my love, your drug?
(huh) Your drug? (huh) your drug? (huh) your drug?
Is my love, your drug?


Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug
Your love your love your love
I said your love, your love, your love, is my drug
Your love your love your love (x2)


Heyyy heyyy you love, your love, (whispered) is my drug

H.

You start making pumpkin soup, thats how.

Ps. Master chef is way cool.

Part of me is sorry about making you cry.
Part of me wishes I hadn't said what I said.
All of me still thinks it was the right thing to say.
All of me still thinks it was the right thing to say.

H.

 I drove through the night to see you.


You slept through the night to avoid me.

I'm not going to bother anymore.

You never did anyway. 

H.

 Today I realised something. I am not alone.

Sitting on the computer next to me in the medical hub of deakin's new library is a girl, tumbling away about her depressing life and insecurities, and from than I know that there might be others out there, just like me. This brings me, if not hope, belonging.

H.

So I just discovered that for an extra $5.00 a month I could get 14 times the amount of data usage. AND guess what I did! [PS I'm writing this FROM MY COMPUTER AT HOME.] yes, you heard it here first folks.


H.

 Did you know that you don't have to fill silence with constant small talk just to avoid the awkwardness? The radio already does this job.

H.

and the isolation has begun once again. 


I don't know why I get so jealous. I just do. So when I see you're smiling faces with friends I used to have I can't help but feel a little sad about what things have become. No angst. No silent loathing. Just time.

I think I always expect too much. I mean its good to always aim high, have hopes and aspirations, and a general upbeat outlook, but I should [more often] remind myself that such things only work in conjunction with me. I cannot control [or influence] others. I should not control [or influence] others.

And now you're thinking 'how hypocritical'. And you're right, which is why this blog-post come guilt-trip [as with pretty much every other one] is going to end here.

H.

Heres the post from yesterday,
that was to say, 
without delay,
happy birthday!


A day of adventures of parks and cars,
one with whit and humour and stars.


An early morning of a tardy arrival
surely did nothing to the party's survival.
The will however did not wilt,
and soon enough the picnic was built!


With presents and food and laughter all round,
the mood was set, the joy abound.
The onset of noon brought sudden departures,
and pretty soon we're off on marches.


After many an hour with thought in mind,
the beach of St. Kilda proved a delightful find.
With swimming in jeans, and splashing about,
the fun was had, till we all got out.


With chaffing a fare,
and many a stare,
the black car chair
proved a delicate affair.


Home was the way for the sensible mind,
to get out of clothes the sand did find.
Then a trip to the city for a night of humour,
the sight of Josh Thomas; more than a rumour. 


But the secret was kept behind tightly locked lips,
the surprise on said face, better than half-price chips.
The hour had past quite too soon,
and back out into the night to see the full moon.


As the rain poured down the outlook seemed bleak,
"Where was the car?" We both did speak.
In our excitement to see someone famous
we did do something, oh so shameless.


As the car did appear after prolonged searching,
the well soaked appearance was quite deserving.
with the heater on full in the hope of drying,
a thought of the end; well worth a sighing.


and then it was done,
we'd had all the fun,
of times in the sun,
the year before; quite outdone.




H.

 This is the blog post which was supposed to lament on the sorrow, and borrowed clichéd moments from days of mourning. Though despite the urge to write said post whilst sitting on that pew, listening to the preachings of the fabled afterlife hit me across the face like and angry ex-girlfriend, I thought it wise to restrain until proper dignity and etiquette left room for the much obliged. Resulting of which, this post about nothing really. Only the intent but nothing more could be remembered after the 5th cup of tea and the last tears of this day ebbed silently into the handkerchief.

There is something to consider; as a member of a stringently atheist family, my funeral or even those of my parents might be something to consider. It's all very well to go through the motions of the church service, and the psalm readings, and the hymns and rest of the churchy stuff, but when you simply don't believe, then what? The tried and tested format is wiped clean, leaving a 90 minute void to fill.

Atheist I may well be- I'm not a cynic. If JLD believed, then so will I for her for the two hours of glory she deserves as the center of the celebration. However, despite the fact I know and understand the ideologies behind the notion of spreading God's word, I can't even find the words to describe the idea of attempting to enlist me into joining such activities at my own grandmother's funeral. Boundaries surely must apply somewhere?

And in case you haven't heard yet, AND you don't want to be the hundredth relative to ask me today, yes- I like Geelong, No-  I don't really like Uni, and Yes- I did buy a Celica, and it is black. And just to be different, it surprises me too that I've managed to grow in the past seven years since seeing you. But seriously, your concern is much appreciated.

And just like that, the suits were put away, and the left-over sandwiches and slices gladwrapped and returned to the refrigerator to become the proceeding weeks lunches, it was all over, until next time. 


H.


I still don't recall hearing the fat-lady sing.

Sometimes I just feel tired. Tired of this. Sometimes I think its time to get a good night's sleep. Sometimes.


H.

The rock and the hard-place have never found a better spot.


I get the whole not knowing what to say/do/feel/whatever verb you feel like putting here.




I don't know why you don't notice the things I say to mean something.
I don't know if I care enough to care that you don't really care anyway.
I don't know why we should be so devastated about the inevitable.
I don't know why I can't take my last statement seriously.
I don't know why I just want to tell someone, I don't even want sympathy.
I don't know why I can't just talk to someone about something normal.
I don't know why I never bothered to know you better.
I don't know why I made every attempt to see you, and then didn't.
I don't know why I don't want to go.
I don't know why I spend $77.35 on chocolate.
I don't know why I have $0.32 left in my account.
I don't know how I'm supposed to eat next week.
I don't know why it matters to me that I have new shoes for Wednesday.
I don't know why I am who I am.
I don't know why I can't believe.
I don't know how to believe.
I don't know if I could believe.
I don't know why I feel more isolated at this home.
I don't know why it can't be you.
I don't know why I believed my lie for so long.
I just don't know.




And here's the part for something profound. Something which makes this whole post worthwhile. Well you know what? I've got nothing.




H.

So the plan was to subtly place chocolates at the doorsteps of the people I would want to wish "Happy Easter" without leaving a name, and hence removing the obligation of giving something back. Alas, it seems my plan was foiled by my predictability it seems.

But if you've read this, please don't waste your money on me, donate what you would have spent to the Good Friday Appeal or something more worthy. Plus you'll get a tax deduction, and thats always a plus.

AND if you didn't find the easter bunny came, sorry, its either you lived too far away [and petrol is like 54561561523c/L presently], or I didn't know your address, or I knew you were away visiting far away places, or I simply didn't have time to make the trip. And for that, I'm sorry. Yeah actually, this time I didn't venture past the boundaries of Mount Waverley. Sorry! 


H.

And again, the ensuing silence can mean only sadness.

And just like that, the world had gone from behind those frail eyes, the last breath escaped through those parched lips, and warmth slowly fading from the yellowing skin.

to bear and raise children so you won't die a long lonely death.




H.

This stupid fucking shit of a life. WHY can't I just have ONE good day?

You and You and You. = :]. Much more than just life without fish and smooth moves, happiness in an otherwise mediocre week.

BUT THEN!; the world decides I can't shouldn't be happy, and I find myself back on motorway one.

no hope.

no love.

no glory.

no happy endings.

[this was the post supposed to be dedicated to the fact of your combined greatness, but instead got hijacked. sorry.]


H.

Despite the fact I still can't get my washing machine to start, and the guy who reads the gas meter caught me in my pajamas eating breakfast, I've just decided that today is a good day. :)

It seems to happen in increasing regularity lately...
That feeling to which you've pointed out to me countless times...


Standing on the edge of my driveway under the incandescent glow of the flickering streetlight contemplating life, and the things which lead me to that moment; the drizzle providing that extra sense of gloom, impending feelings of suffocation, loneliness, isolation. The hired moving truck reaching the bottom of the street, rounding the corner and off into the distance, carrying with it loved-ones and thoughts of far-away places. This is 'me' now. This is who I am. The moment, and all surreality lasted for what seemed an eternity, eventually being replaced with silence. The silence of nothing.

For what its worth, it's far better than what it could have, should have been. Its home, [now] and then its not. Judge me, please, but the thing its missing most is not the furniture or people, but rather the little things that tell you 'someone else live here'. The rearrangement of the fridge, the damp 'other' towel, the dirty dishes in the sink. Somehow the knowledge that everything will be just as you left it is quite terrifying.

And if you haven't got this much yet; these are my insecurities coming out.

Next time I come up; I'm bringing my cat [I've decided]. [Now I just feel like some lonely old person].


H.

It's time to update your address books...:)

Complaining about not being able to buy a pie on the warrnambool 7.47 service on the way home to portland after a night of drunken adventures of maccas runs, flashing, and trashing hotel rooms.

Could there be anything more 'australian'?

Ps. This wasn't me btw.

Tales of said night out just for others amusement, and a loud proclamation of 'never drinking again'. When the weary eyes of last call at 4am combine with the fresh faces of the day, the contrast poignant. Jealous of the nights adventures, jealous of a full nights sleep.

...

You know what, you've actually learnt nothing. And I'm not sure why I'm surprised.

H.

...

"Listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door; let's go."

See you there?





J.

You know, I'm still not convinced you're entirely getting the point of this. This is not a point system, or a way of gratifying individuals on merit for the effort they make.

This is this. It is what it is. In the same very way I'm not about to blow your trumpet just because you asked, or because you deserve. Thats just it, isn't it. You, you are more than words can write. You are that person I'd choose to see over just about anyone else. You are someone who should know, that our friendship exceeds any realm of recognition by words on the internet.

By the same token, I get this. I get you. And why you'd be jealous, or annoyed or whatever else I can't think of words to describe. So this one's for you, so you know that despite not being mentioned here often enough, that you're not forgotten. Never.

And just in case you missed it, this one's about you.

To you, it might just be an arbitry beep of your horn. It could even be the simple, 'goodbye', or just the fact you recognise me. But you know, it all counts, and it all helps.

Your concern about me, your enthusiasm towards the whole prospect of seeing me outside of university, the time you take out of your life to acknowledge my presence makes this whole situation worth getting out of bed for. So thank you, all of you.

...
The beginning.


Devil Child.

...

Hey you,

When I look at the things that reflect my life, nothing much has changed, really.

C.

...
In other more exciting news; DSO HAS CRASHED.

and so instead of doing the prescribed pre-reading for the next three hours of lectures, I can only sit here and contemplate existence on blogger, with the occasional facebook check. AND THERES NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Sometimes you've just gotta love technical difficulties.


H.

Glossary;
 -DSO - 'Deakin Studies Online'; the online database where lecture and tute notes, powerpoints and recordings are posted early viewing and printing.

...

CAN I JUST SAY!


I feel almost snobbish for rejecting your kind offer of help... regard the furnishing of number 4/22. And thinking about it, I AM. But that's me. You knew that. [this is not justification]

And it shouldn't make you 'lol'. It should make you annoyed; you went to the effort of helping only to be dismissed and overlooked. So I guess... sorry. :(. I'll try  harder next time. I promise.



H.

...

1. I'll miss our stupid moments in parks and trees and forgetting anything else even mattered.
B. I'll miss our corner moments in the days of our lives.
iii. I'll miss our erratic breakfasts and random catch ups.
four. I'll miss our saga and the fact it was always heading this way.
5. I still have your cooler thing from Aust. Day... miss you too.
vi. I'll miss those displacing opportunities and the chance to break your mold.
G. I'll miss the spontaneous outings to ice-cream and Huntingdale.




H.

...



J.

...
 
keyword: eventually.
everything happens, eventually.

change, travels, endings, breaking bridges, "it's over", growing up; everything.
as the fragments of could have's, should have's and could have been's sing you to sleep,
don't forget that "the world is your oyster".
or, whatever.
I was never good at optimism.

J.

...

HEY! YOU! YES YOU!

The moments of worth, intertwined with the knowledge of middle-school emotional types and the constant disappointment; the longing for that subway away from here. Boosting confidence in picturing the idealistic values in an erratic frame of mind, bodes well for the butcher visit this Friday.

yeah. I'm not really bad, but don't tell my mum and dad.

H.

...

What is someone like you doin in a place like this? Did you come alone or did you bring all your friends? I'll never be the same if we ever meet again. Do you come here much? I swear I've seen your face before. maybe.

We'll do it all- everything, on our own. We don't need anything or anyone. If I lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know how to say how I feel- those three words are said too much, their not enough. Forget what we're told- before we get too old show me a garden that's burning into life. Let's waste time, chasing cars around our heads.

H.

...

Whatcha say? That you only meant well? It's all for the best?

I tried. Failed. Tried. Failed. Perpetual cycle destined to forever repeat. And you don't care a bit.

H.

Do you ever think to yourself perhaps its time to stop thinking about the future and start thinking about the now? Eventually at some point you'll realise you've played your cards the whole time with the intent of 'winning' that you've forgotten the point of the game; to have fun.

You're justification, while respected, only serves to prove the initial hypotheses correct, but then that was always going to happen, wasn't it?

I hate the fact that its come to this, but i might point out that the 26th is fast approaching, and i'm making no promise to keep contact. Everyone knows how these things always unfold.

Week one: daily touch base.
Week two: emergence of new friends. Occasional words crossed.
Week three: replacement.

Love. Textbooks.

I need to learn to stop smiling seriously. it can't be a good thing.

The doubt crept in, as the marshall service crept past newport station. The 'short delay' did nothing but reinforce the apparent insanity of this decision.

But then, those familiar terrace houses flashed past the windows, as the rounded the bend, and i found myself smiling.

Despite the fact that i'm an hour late, and this desolate station yields nothing but the chilling wind and a nagging sense of being stranded, i WANT to be here.

...

"Everything is possible with enough time and effort."
"I'm going to hold you to that."
"How?"
"You'll see."

keyword: everything.


J.

...

wasn't that hard, was it.


Best part of receiving mail;
guessing the sender from the handwriting [of the address].
Today's took a while.


In other news;

 The first purchase [of many]; 

Ariston Margherita 2000 6kg Front Load Combination Washer Dryer - $91.67

 http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=250584114966&ssPageName=STRK:MEWNX:IT#ht_500wt_1182


H.

...

OH just in case you'd like to know, I found somewhere to live. Not that you'd ever bother to come and see. AND don't say you will. We can both see through your words.


You know what I really hate, when you try and tell someone something, [eg having somewhere to live in G] and the only response is 'yeah I already knew'.




H.

You know what?I'm trying to be a 'good' friend person. Telling you first.Giving you the heads up.I guess I won't bother next time.

BTW;Who spilled? 

H.

...
Hi what can I get for you? G'day how ya going? Welcome to maccas, what can I do for you? Good morning, can I help you? Hi how ya going? Whose next? Can I help anyone? Hi. 


end. fin. over. sad? yes. no. past.

I guess it'll be missed. But it really doesn't seem as bad as I thought it would. In the scheme of things, moving cities, lives, the fact HG won't 'be' any more, seems pale in comparison.

What do you say to people, when you know the moment you walk out that door, you're never going to see them again? Somehow 'have a nice life' seems inappropriate.

So as I sat in the car park for the very last time, contemplating the significance of the last ever One Six Two - OUT  the surreal moments that haunt me [and you] began.

Thank-you. For your words of encouragement, luck, general well-being for the future.

Goodbye to all the best-friends, new friends, kitch-bitches, fry-buddies, hamburglars, coffee-crew, and the people you thought were friends. The Important Three  as it was, is now two, or one, or none. [but whose keeping score?]

One-Sixth of my life has been spent there. I've watched four-hundred fresh faces pass through those four walls of that establishment [doesn't seem that many, huh], seen more than anyone gave credit for, and in the end, I'd like to think I taught them a few things.

Heck, I know its just a job, and Maccas at that, but it made me who I am. Laugh. Go on. But that was me. The only constant in my changing world.

Its been an interesting ride. I'm never going to completely forgive any of you  for making it both difficult, and something which drove me to things, but that's just part of the whole package deal I guess.

to the next chief, good luck, and I'm sorry they chose you. Unachievable expectations, social outcasting, and general ridicule come with the job-description.

Sorry about the wait. Enjoy Your meal. Have a nice night. See ya later. catchya later. Drive thru thanks. Here you go. There you are. Sorry to keep you waiting. Have a ncie day. Enjoy the rest of your day. See you next week. 

H.