There are some (little) things which just make my day. I've been trying to compile a list of those small moments  but usually they're forgotten as soon as they pass. If you've ever watched Amelie from [some French city starting with Montmarter...(I don't remember now)], think of the opening dialogue; 'This is Amile, she enjoys...(Its been that long I also don't remember any of those things now. I should watch it again.)'.

Today's moment, well actually there's been a few today, so today's most recent moment occurred while taxi-ing down runway 33L at Sydney international. Without going into so much detail, the take off was rather rushed due to curfew's and delays (follow the full story on twitter), and when we finally did get the confirmation that we were indeed heading to Avalon tonight, spontaneous applause erupted, half in thanks to the efficient crew, half in a congratulatory self appreciation in our own collective efforts in the hasty boarding.

Long story short, spontaneous applause is (yet another) one of those life reassuring moments.

With an unrequited love
When your passion’s exultation,
Finding refuge is not enough


It strikes me that sometimes you unnecessarily need to compete. I don't have a problem with this, or you, I just wonder about the implications for you in the long-run.

No matter what you say, I can think how I like, and what I like. Sometimes the concept of personal space is lost.

You're throwing around the L-word like there's no tomorrow, despite me making it clear things were never going to happen. And (then) still you claim your intentions are not what they seem.


Oh, memories, where’d you go?
You were all I’ve ever known.
How I miss yesterday
And I let it fade away

H.

Socrates thought that no one could possibly be happy if they acted against their better judgement. And he who knows how to achieve happiness will do so. Therefore, he who knows what is right will do right. Because why would anybody choose to be unhappy?

       - Sophie's World


PS. Where's the yellow brick road when you need one?


J.

The past seems to be catching up with me more often these days.

Sometimes I stop and think what life would have, could have been like if things turned out differently. I look back through old photos from yesteryear, knowing that being seventeen again will never be possible, but longing to be there once more none-the-less. I know at the time I called life's bluff by declaring those years a write-off, and that memories tend to garner a somewhat nostalgic view, but I can't help look back longingly at how easy everything seemed, way back when.

I take a trip down memory lane only to discover myself happy.

I guess you don't really take photo's on unhappy occasions, but seeing album upon album from high-school, and particularly all those laughs at maccas really only serves to highlight how unstable I was back then (for not seeing how good things really were). It's strange to see myself smiling comfortably next to someone I haven't even thought about in several years, wondering if I'm ever going to speak to them again.

H.

The thing is, you make me happy. But I'm not about to go walking around like our mansion is built for more than the purpose of self guiding. I'm not sure why, but I'll always be a slightly different monkey, and as much as it would be convenient (and mother's day would have come oh so early) I could never see that happening. love flows, none-the-less.

For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo



H.

I'm not sure why I told you anything. I almost regret it, but at the same time I am glad I did. You've got to know, daylight never stops this master from working his magic (lulz), and the harsh light of day usually helps to justify such situations. Today I can't. But who's to say anything?

Can't you see now why there's an apparent need to set other boundaries, because if this whole thing turns out with the wrong team winning the grand final, some of these Geelong players will be a little bit more than hurt.  Say what you will about things said, short letters written, I'm still all for playing it safe.




H.

and yet, I manage to fucking do it again. Always with the ignorant conversation heading down the realms of places best avoided, and only realising once it's too late. Only took 24 hours this time. New record?


H.

defying augury and deciding whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer, comes infrequently these days. I miss this part of you, and me, and us. Sometimes water under the bridge, is just that. Without it, said bridge is rather pointless anyway.


H.

This is me (now).

Looking back on yourself through the narrow lens of your unforgotten memories, and what actually happened are usually two different things, I've found. I (now) can see why this is how it is. Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great.




H.

Everything will be alright in the end.

If it's not alright, it's not the end.

...Right?


J.

H.

true story bro.


H.

we all stop making plans one day. the only difference is that some people realise when their reach exceeds their grasp, and others don't.


J.

I don't even know what to write on here any more these days. I've come to the point where it might just be easier to recycle those old blog posts from last time, but somehow I can see that this time there is actually potential for resolution. Speaking of last time, I've finally let it go. (Forever).


H.

We're all right where we should be. Lift my arms out wide. I open my eyes. And now all I wanna see. Is a sky full of lighters, a sky full of lighters.

Lets be honest;

I feel like I should be more sad and although I justify my lack of emotion by the old adage of the long and happy life, I can see that there is more to this story. Maybe I'm just too tired to care. But I also know that life's weary trudge tends to accentuate these feelings, not the contrary.

I loved to see the faces and hear those stories. The ones from a time long past of decaying grandure and a life lived in cheating and betrayal, and for the three siblings which have all ended up 90 year later in the same place. My very own family version of A Streetcar Named Desire.

So as the catered sandwiches are wrapped and returned to the ice box, the teapot washed, and the china returned to the kitchen, you've got to wonder about this all.

Should we be expecting our own unhappy ending?

Strange week all round.

you. what can I say?

like that moment when the sun comes out on the most gloomiest of days.
like the feeling when your day just works.
like that feeling of freedom when you just get into your car and drive.
like that first sip of coffee on a cold winter's morning.
or when your favourite song comes on the radio and you can't help but sing along.

I can live without the rest. I can't live without you. 


H.

I tried, so very hard. Sometimes it doesn't make any difference, the world just fucks its self up on its own accord.

I don't do this poor thing very well. The anxiety, the unknown. I thought I was over this, I guess I was wrong.

You can count on me- I'll be there. 


H.

Well its done.

I mean I wasn't even there for that long, but it still seems to be overwhelmingly sad, and that has a lot to do with Borders' status of not only a shop, but almost a destination. And I suppose it is this unusual take on the retail experience that made it all it was, and led to its downfall too.

The co-workers will be missed. The books will be missed. Even (some of) the customers will be missed.

As the time now is 9:55 our store will be closing in just 5 minutes time. We kindly ask that you take any unwanted reading material to the information desks, and finalise any purchases at the registers located on the ground and lower-ground floors of our store. Thank-you for shopping at Borders Chadstone and for your shopping convenience we will reopen tomorrow morning at nine. 


H.

you have it all wrong.




H.

I'm aware that that you shouldn't compare yourself to others, and use this comparison as a judge of how successful you or they are. We don't live in an ideal life, and so I do it anyway. This next part is going to offend most of you. Stop reading now.

So these comparison's I make, usually involve several insignificant markers as a gauge to how far you've progressed through life. Things like, not having your motor-vehicle license ( through not a lack of trying, but the lack of a will to get it), or even way back when, not having ever had a job. And I think, that's why I often come across (without meaning to, but acknowledge-ably so) somewhat superior. What it comes down to, is me judging the lack of motivation to progress. To see the opportunity waiting there, and not do anything about it. Actually, I think what I'm more getting at is independence.




but hey, this is my problem, not yours. I was never one to 'wait' anyway.


H.

You need to look outside the square sometimes.


Stop. (and,)


Think. 


Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all.


H.

you+me, outside now.


How do you know when your resentment is founded upon fact, and not jealousy?

I guess I'll never know.


Maybe I'm lying. When I think about it, I'm in no way jealous of you, your situation, or your life in general- leading me to conclude you just are that annoying that I'm beginning to resent you.


I'm glad I have this conversation with myself. Thanks for listening.




H.

sometimes I just feel like you've stolen my life. AND all I want to do is scream and yell and tell you to get the fuck out (of it).




H.

If 42 is the answer, then what is the question?


J.

I'm aware that Deakin has lower entry criterion. I'm also aware that I don't always hold this university in high regard. But I'm not sure where in this context you think you can act as condescending as you do, and make out as if somehow what I'm doing isn't really legitimate.

I know I'm not as smart as you, but maybe you should not think less of Deakin's standards and instead consider more my ability when I say achieving here doesn't seem that hard.


H.

I'm worried that you're always going to want more than I can give. I'd like to pretend to myself that this situation is only for the time being, but somehow I know that life is somehow always going to be like this. I try my best, which I'll admit is sometimes just not good enough, and for that I'm sorry.

I love you. I'm not afraid to say that. I just hope you can love me enough (back) to see through my flaws.



H.

Everything seems so overwhelming, almost as if this life is the epitome of success, one can't survive without the other. What happens when you have neither?

There's a reason I avoided reality today. 


...and I'm not sure exactly what that is, though it feels remarkably like deja vu (I've been here before).


I wish I could like you. I really do. I'm not sure what's changed, me or you or the both of us, but somehow I find myself avoiding. Always avoiding.


fuck, I hate even myself these days.


H.

Words can't bring me down.

And yet, sometimes I just feel so insecure.

Like now, and then, and sometime in between.


Don't you bring me down today.


H.

This is how it is.


You get up in the morning, wiggle your toes, phone your mum, check the mail and go to bed. And then the next day you do it all all over again.

That's life.






H.

You can now call me racist. (along with everything else you've been throwing at me)

H.

Sometimes.

I,

Just wing everything. Flying by the seat of my pants, as they say.

I want to go to South America.

Or I just want to leave here.



This life seems old. Slow. Stale.

I
Just
want
to
tear the wings off butterflies.


I think I want to be cliché and be a doctor in some poor country. And help the children. My current contribution just seems so damn insignificant. One child. Out of how many?

I also don't think writing letters to my sponsor child would serve any purpose but to inflict guilt.


Sometimes its good to fail. To try, and fail. Just to know what I can't achieve.

H.

Rules that exist to serve no apparent reason.

People who shuffle past you attempting to leave their seat at the football at key moments in the game.

Old fries.

People that are rude just because they can.

Clothes that shrink in the dryer.

Turning the washing machine on without remembering to put the water outlet back into the drain.

Unironed shirts which are worn out in public.

People who are needlessly difficult.

Having to explain things a second time.

Low sound quality tunes.

How cold your nose gets when its 5 degrees plus wind chill.

Having slow Internet.

People reading over my shoulder.

And of course you.


H.

It's almost as if you've gone nowhere in two years, and I can't quite work out how that happened.Such promise was showed, but disappointment always shines through in the end.




H.

Things that make the list this week;

• Cuff buttons. Why must you be so damn hard to undo/do up.
• People who sit ten under in the right lane. Clearly its the speeders lane for a reason.
• Traffic lights which have been green for just that bit too long you know are going to change just before you get to the intersection, and are going to force you to wait a full cycle.
• Journal Articles from publishers which make you pay to read more than the abstract.
• My lack of time-management.
• The coffee line, half-time at the football.
• Scratchy tissues.
• CELERY JUICE.
• The staining qualities of beetroot.
• being so damn insignificant.

and of course, you.




H.

Nostalgia can be annoying. Hard to let go. Forever chasing you down with emotional blackmail.

Those flickering fluorescent lights. Also annoying. Dilapidation. showing age. impending demise. lack of proper care to detail.

the missing platinum. virtually weightless, yet so much baggage. connection gone, anxiousness. need for validation, the absent mind in knowing.

Bitch.  A deserving word which hurts. Where do you go from here?


the point of all this?



where will I be in two years?


this time 2 years ago? I did not think I'd be here. I did not think I could be here. I did not think.I didn't even know you. strange.



Loosing In Front, Exactly. sometimes its easier to just say 42 and be done with it.


H.

23rd March 2010
That fleeting moment of freedom- turned into the rest of my life. The overwhelming joy, the months of searching paid off, the price irrelevant. The people I chose to see at crazy times of the night, to show off my newly found independence. 


29th September 2010
The clichéd way to end the day. The carnival setting, the fireworks, the great company. I wouldn't trade you for the world.


10th October 2010
The day this friendship graduated. The surf. The sand. Just sitting there enjoying the moment, with the sun setting and tunes playing, watching the waves crash by.


19th December 2010
For the not so obvious reasons. For the lunch. With you. (well any one of the many we shared) the hour stolen from work. The knowledge that you're a 'keeper' again reaffirmed. 


For the dinner, the favourites. The ones who aren't afraid to call me a friend.


4th January 2011
We made it up that god damn hill, with an excuse perhaps, but worthwhile (in the end) none-the-less (even with the sunburn).


16th January 2011
Reliving the tweenager years we never had. The cards, and the vodka, and the outdoor setting prime for dancing. 


Every other Monday
The skinny latte. The short macchiato. 


Every other Saturday.
The tuna pillow. The ham and cheese toasty.


Every other Wednesday.
The bans. The lattes. The intellectual conversation. The age.




these are the reasons for living.




H.

Heres where I spill the beans, and you think you know exactly what I'm talking about. You know what though? You really don't.

Sometimes, I can't help but feel jealous. Not of you (I'd hate to be you), but of the way you never get left out of anything. Just once I want someone to organise some huge party and not invite you, just so you can feel what its like. And the saddest part is that I, even after admitting that still can't bring myself to do it. Because lets face it, everyone would come just to see you anyway.

H.

Bitch, pah-lease

Somehow I think you've got something a little bit skewed. I'm not sure where you think the distinction lies, between gossiping about here-say or commenting on something you've volunteered for everyone to see.

When I choose to write something here, I know that people will talk- in fact that is half the point really. I make no illusion to the fact that I'm not always happy about what is said, but at the end of the day, that is on me. I am the very person writing details about my life on the Internet for literally anyone to see, and therefore have no ground to base any resentment I feel towards any specific person, lest I remove the post or delete this page altogether.


Man up and take what you've brought upon yourself (or do something about it).


H.



ne pas être un ennemi

In the night see a face in the dark
In his face see a light shining gold
And this man, walks alone singing songs of victory
When he sleeps there’s a struggle and the light begins to fade

This is the beginning of the end.

That is what I'd like you to think anyway. Sometimes though, we can't always get what we want. I can see this all falling apart, and right now, I can't see a way to fix anything.


H.

always has been, always will be.




J.

I wish that life wasn't/isn't so hard to just accept things for what they are.

Sometimes you just have days that are just so fucking shit throwing the towel in doesn't seem like such a bad idea, or those days when you are just on top of the world and nothing can bring you down.

And then something does.

Here's where the 'but that's just life' spiel goes, but I'm not sure I can take that as an excuse anymore.

You know what, I get it.


I get why you felt that way.
I get why you acted that way.
I get why you just felt you couldn't look at me any more.


Though somewhere along the lines I'd like to think I'm different. That somehow, despite all the hypo-criticism, I can see the line between here and the demise of the world we knew, and stop all the madness.


 I guess though, that would require the will to act, something which I can't bring myself to have right now.






H.

You know what, you're probably right.

I also think you need to work on your skills of subtlety.


H.

Sometimes I wonder why I am who I am. If you know, feel free to share.

I would say, 'at the risk if being jinxed', but I'm referring to yesterday so there's no chance of that, luckily.
Pretty much, yesterday, for many reasons was one of the best days in forever. In fact this has the potential to be a good week, (though I'm reserving all judgment til Sunday), it it really has nothing to do with anything (specifically). Its more just a combination of good luck, and good people, and hey, mid sems might be next week, and I'm fairly certain they will be abysmal, but I couldn't care.

You made my week. With your company and just plain frankness in conversation. The jacket, yes helps, but you're company is worth that much more.

You made my week. You just know what to say. You always do, and although some things are just that bitchy, I really couldn't care, some things need to be said. Plus we all know I'm queen B.

You made my week. You feel like you can trust me. I feel the same. I honestly (with no offense intended) never thought it would be this easy.


You made my week. Just because you reminded me how similar we are. Can't wait til Friday! I'm sorry for breaking it, again. (words can never fix this, truly)


And you made my week. You took one of my overnight shifts. I'm not sure why, but thank-you none the less.

H.

Did you hear?


That pot just called the kettle black.


just blowing off some steam.


H.

"Failure is human destiny."

-le fabuleux destin d amelie poulaine

I used to use those same lines too. I can see what you're attempting to accomplish. Let me guess, you've finally realised that everything doesn't just stay the same, you have to be watching for the madness. And let me also guess, this realisation has been three months too late. (too bad you can't change it now)


As much as I can enjoy the action of holding an intellectual conversation with you, you must have realised by now that I can never take you completely seriously. When you bring up conversations that I have to grit my teeth through must give some indication?


I hear it said, I understand what it means, and I'm not sure where then line lies? Where's this distinction between being a good friend and taking advantage? Sometimes I think I should look closer into this. Though not at all with you, strangely. Double standards? Quite possibly.


You. Make. Me. Want. To. Exist. you actually care enough tell me nothing at all, just to let me know you're still there and know I am too.


And you! I'm missed your face. And still do.


I am actually quite annoyed at myself. I'm such a bitch to you, and I don't even know why you still want to be friends. I'm being the person I hated, and you're being me. Tell me to grow the fuck up already.


I can't believe you actually said that. You're taking advantage and you don't even know it. Jokes on you (though).




And here's me thinking you didn't even exist (any more)






H.

Or maybe that was meant to be trees?


can you ever truly know?
do we actually need a label?
should it be told?
could you still accept it?
would you still be there?
would you say 'I told you so', even in your head?
does it make any difference?


sometimes. things. just. happen.

there is no fate, we are who we are, guided by only our thoughts and actions. Don't blame the world, blame me. Though you should know it isn't chosen, but given.


H.

when it comes down to it, and life becomes just that busy and complicated, sometimes you've just got to go with it.

I am almost sorry I've been lax on the whole blogging thing lately, though in all fairness it spanned the whole spectrum of Internet paraphernalia. I guess the love-affair with the online addiction, the social medium thought to have consumed my whole reality is actually superfluous to this real world we can also exist in.

Although you could also argue that I've been absent from the real world too lately. And if you do happen to feel that way, its not something I chose. Sometimes things just need to take priority, and this month it seems to be work and uni and having enough ka-ching to be a fresh-food person, and of course that major life-goal. Not to mention tending to the sick and heart-broken. So even if you've only gotten a text or 4 from me, or an hour over breakfast early one morning, that's the best I can give for now, and just so you know, I've only seen my parents twice in the last month (even they're not immune).

like always though, I'll catch you on the flipside*. (and I do miss you)




H.




*hopefully sometime soon.

I forgot you existed, just temporarily.


Then I saw you existed, just temporarily.




H.

this is real.

These feelings have come back, although I have had a fucking shit week, it seems like there's more to this story.

I feel lonely, almost constantly. and despite my pathetic excuses owing to pathetic reasons as to why I've not changed this in the past 3 years, I don't see how now is any different? In fact I don't even have the time to talk to friends these days, so I don't know why any part of me thinks this would work.


H.

really?
I can see you're trying to be friendly and/or nice... but I've concluded that nothing you can say is going to change the fact that I've experienced life without putting up with this, and its fucking fantastic.


H.

You know what I just realised? the reason behind my happiness of late might have something to do with;

a) my impending departure! and;

b) the fact I haven't even thought of you in forever.

let the good times roll.




H.

you don't get to forget I exist for three months and pretend like we're still friends. That's not how I roll.




H.

you make me feel like I'm livin' a teenage dream. Maybe its because I am?

Sometimes, recently more often than not, I feel like all of this is far from real. Like somehow I'm not who I used to be, grown up, moved on, without realising it. I used to at least try?

Don't ever look back.

H.

Who needs dignity when you've got money. -BLEP

wise words? You be the judge.





H.

I can't help but think of how (good) things used to be when I hear these songs from my past.

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say. These friends are, new friends are golden.


H.

Unlikely.

J.

I don't understand myself.

I have these preconceived expectations, and yet I find myself completely disregarding them. Or maybe I just made all of that up out of an excuse to tell you why I couldn't? Though when I sit back and imagine the married me in twenty years time, all my children are blue-eyed blondes.

Now, the pressure. Sure, not exactly Arian, but halfway there (in comparison). Now I have to deal with what to do before this last week and a half runs out.




H.

I'll be honest, the only thing compelling me to write this is the sheer fact its been so long in between, and as a consequence I really don't have much to say.

(for now at least) I just can't wait to start proper tertiary education again, and to be honest I think it has everything to do with an excuse to escape away from here, and you and you and you. There's also the added benefit of living away from home, and the Torquay surf beach twenty minutes down the road, which could have something to do with it.

H.

I cannot guess what we'll discover, when we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels, but I know our filthy hands can wash one another's, and not one speck will remain.

Why are endings always that much more difficult to mark?


J.

I'd just like to remind you of one small thing, that was no extra mile, just my high standards, remember. But you know what, you're welcome all the same (and I wouldn't have had it any other way). :)


H.

I'm not sure I ever could, you know.

I mean I tried once, and I couldn't bare it. I guess, I'm just not as confident as you. I don't believe in myself enough to feel like I could completely reject the past. Sometimes I wish I could be as brave as you are.


S.

So I felt guilty about not having seen you in months. I guess I still do, but to be honest I'm not sure I want that to change now.

H.

...and for once, honesty. How invigorating. At least someone has the guts to say it to my face. Thank-you.

You're still a part of the new me. Don't forget that.


H.

Just thought you should know the reason why you might not see as much of me around here any more...well those angst posts at least.

The boat was actually plan C.
The church, was plan B,
and plan A was marrying her a long long time ago, pretty much the day I met her. 

H.

If you ever need a little happiness,

H.

I've come to conclude you only say those things out of jealousy. I don't mind, it gets the best in us most of the time.


H.

A guy came up to me on the street today, gave me his business card, and said I shall could him. Turns out he was the 'Scouting Director' for some no-name modelling agency called Primodels. Yeah go on, have a laugh now.

Obviously I'm not going to pursue this particular career (though as Jas' points out, if the whole doctor thing fails, at least I have a back-up plan), but it really got me thinking. See this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened, back in year 12, our year-book had these stupid award things, of which a select few nominated people for. Obviously I won the 'Best Ranga'  award, but I was also nominated for 'Australia's Next Top  Model', didn't win, sadly(sarcasm). The thing is though, at the time I was 95% sure those 24 people were taking the piss, like on those American movies where the 'Hot' girl chats up the geek as a laugh for all her friends. Same sorta thing yeah?

And then again, I'm 95% sure Paul from the street only gave me his card to get free advertising/interest in his business. After all he's in it to make money.

life in disarray.

cue the thinking music.




H.

Surprising how little money, but so little effort.

#life

H.

'It used to be about finding a cure, but now the focus is on prevention.'
This way of thinking applies to the current situation too, it seems.




J.

I've decided I'm streamlining my life.

I've gone long enough trying to keep up with everything.

I'll let you know if you've made the cut.




H.

I thought to my self; JKAHDJKAHDSAKJNKAND. I am so annoyed with you right now. Then I remembered how petty this is, and came to the conclusion I'd be no better than him (if I did that). And so, you caught a break this time, and you're still on the 'OK' list.




H.

don't you think you're being a little over dramatic?


H.

THIS IS FUCKING BITCHIN. I HATE THIS STUPID INTERNET. 


When I get 10% for my MCQ's you'll know why...... spending half the time looking at a loading screen is not conducive to sticking within the ten minute time limit.


H.

I fricken love you. 


S.

"Can people change? I don't know. People are who they are, plus or minus fifteen percent. That's how much people can change if they want to, whether it's for themselves or the people they love. Yeah, fifteen percent. But you know what? Sometimes that's just enough."




J.

You wanted honesty, how about this? I'm sitting here asking myself why I feel this way, why I don't know what to do, why I've already written three posts in the past 2 hours, and I've come to the conclusion its you. For everyone else, all those other people, all those best friends  you're perhaps the one who gets me. I see the way you look at me, the way you talk to me, the way you act around me, and I know we'll be friends for ever.

So much for no expectations ey? And I guess, the fact you're obviously still annoyed with me, and we're both too stubborn to give in, scares me. I've been down this road before, I know where this is headed. I know how that turned out, and I'm not prepared to do that again. Little things are always the beginning of big things.

If its worth anything, I miss you.


H.

but see, I think people are made out for more than disappointment . (J.T. Foo 2011)

H.

I'm trying something new, (in line with the whole new year, new life idea) and its going to be fantastic; just remember this when you next see the new me. As far as life is concerned, I've decided the nice guys do finish last, but they remain to have the satisfaction. I'm not entirely sure which I prefer these days. Satisfaction just doesn't seem as.... satisfying... any more.

So maybe I did influence you, change  you. I'll have you know though, it goes both ways.

I'm not sure how exactly this is going to work, but for the moment I'm trying the opposite effect. I'll report back with my findings soon. In the mean-time amuse yourselves with your own life.


H.

fuck it. someone else do it.




H.

You know I saw a photo the other day, from October 2009, and cringed. It wasn't because I had ridiculous hair, and it wasn't because my ugly face was in it. The simple reminder of that place on that hill invoked feelings of utter disgust. So sure, you might be afraid now, that uncertain future, but you must remember that good friends follow you, the bad don't. And as for that institution, it slips away quietly until you forget it even existed.




H.

The only reason I'm writing this here is because I'm not going to reply(directly) again. I'm not continuing this pointless argument.

It still has nothing really to do with him. It still has everything to do me wanting to keep work here, and not be forced back to hamburgers, (mostly so I can actually see you during the year). It also still has everything to do with me actually achieving that Dr. Harry  dream, and so I'm sorry to say this, but study and exams take priority here.

No reply is necessary.


H.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but sometimes I think the day after is almost more enjoyable. Sitting in quiet contemplation, reflecting on the stupid actions, recovering from the night's adventures. Times like these, when all immediate memory seems to be consumed by the fun times makes everything, all this, just seem ok.




H.

You know what, that smile on my face is no indication of feeling. Apart from the fact I'm sick of the way this friendship seems to be working, I'm also sick of you.


H.

For the record though, I maintain my split personality, the divide appearing somewhere near 3030. The quiff and confidence may well be, the insecurity and fear abundant.


H.

 I want to believe that this could be real, that all of this, the lying, the scheming and the cheating could  would eventually amount to something worthwhile. I'm still hopin', but in the mean-time I guess the meander through existence will be enough for entertainment currently.

So here's to the life unexpected, the plan's foiled and the dreams shattered, because expectations are nothing more than worthless attempts to control fate and half-hearted attempts at that.


and on the seventh day, the resolution hast put to dust, the realisation that nothing ever changes trumps all good will.


H.

You know what I don't get though- is why you bothered to invite me in the end anyway?




H.

And i think in my mind, as I hear the shutter whurring and the screen rolls the final credits, why should I care? Because it breaks my heart...

Sometimes I wonder the meaning of all of this...

You know something though, she was right, and so was I. I can't help the way I feel about you. And the worst part is I'm not sure its ever changed. Why someone never woke me up to reality I'll never know... I can't believe it took me this long to realise.

You know what? Fuck you. 'sleep' just happens to be a major part of my life, a third to be exact. So yes, I am going to buy a $55 pair of Peter Alexander pajamas to match the $300 Egyption cotton Sheridan sheets, and you're just going to have to deal with that.

H.

Why does it feel like we haven't spoken in forever?!

Oh, wait, that's because we haven't.

H.

This is the obligatory post. The one, like Christmas which, is full of that holiday cheer we all know and love. Like the year culminating in tonight, this moment right here, seems apt. Ever year, those same old resolutions get wished for, and every year we find excuses as to why we should be wishing for the same one again for the forth year running. Like the cliche goes though, this year will be different. Actually wait, I'll be different this year.

H.