...

PS. you don't know how much you mean to me, knowing you actually care [enough to say something].

H.

...

The words so belatedly said, the rude awakening to the stupidity of all of this. Stupid, maybe? definitely; but then, this is my release. Things I feel I cannot bear to say to your face, appear here, because that's the coward I am.

H.

...

why are all your posts so sad? - IM

that's just who I am.... now.


H.

...

while trying to find something to adequately express the way I'm feeling right about now... I came across this...

Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat.

She called her neighbors and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"

"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did.

The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share.

But the little red hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
And the pig just grunted.

And they painted "unfair" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said the agent. "That is the wonderful free enterprise system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle."

And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful. I am grateful."

But her neighbors wondered why she never again baked any more bread.

H.

...

Once upon a time there was a little red hen who lived in a big farm-yard.
One morning the little red hen found a grain of wheat.

"Look!" she said.
"See what I have found. Who will help me to plant this grain of wheat?"

"Not I," said the duck. "I must go down to the pond for a swim."
"Not I," said the cat. "I have some visitors coming in a few minutes."

"Very well, I will then", said the little red hen, and she did.

After a while some weeds appeared among the stalks of wheat.
One day the little red hen asked:
"Who will help me to weed this wheat?"

"Not I," said the duck. "That sort of work doesn't agree with me."
"Not I", said the cat. "I would not be able to tell the weeds from the wheat".

"Very well, I will then", said the little red hen, and she did.

After a while the wheat began to ripen:
"What fine wheat we have," said the cat and the duck.
"Yes, indeed, it is time to reap the wheat," said the little red hen. "Who will help me to reap this wheat?"

"Not I", said the cat.
"Not I", said the duck.

"Very well, then I will", said the little red hen.

She cut the heads off the grain very carefully and put them in a bag.

Then she called to the cat and the duck and she asked, "Now, who will take this wheat to the mill to be ground into flour?"
"Not I", said the duck.
"Not I", said the cat.

"Very well, then", said the little red hen, "I will take it myself".

So the little red hen trudged off to the mill, and in a few hours she was back with a sack of fine flour.

"Now, who is going to make this flour into bread?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I", said the duck.
"Not I", said the cat.

"I will, then," said the little red hen, and she did.

Soon the loaf was ready for the oven.

"Now, who is going to bake this bread?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I", said the cat.
"Not I", said the duck.

"Very well, then", said the little red hen. "I will do it".

So the loaf of bread was baked and it was baked, and it was beautiful, golden and crusty. The little red hen put it on the kitchen table, and the cat and the duck came into the house and looked at it longingly.

"Well now, who is going to eat this loaf of bread?" asked the little red hen.

"I will", said the duck quickly.
"I will", said the cat stepping close.

H.

...

I could carefully picture the words written here mere hours ago, and now, the opportunity to rise up and spill the beans has COME@! and yet, the words seem destined to be forever lost.


H.

...

Shhh... don't speak now, I'm trying to die. -  J. L. D.

H.

...

the heads up: the last wasn't what you thought it was. The saga might just continue, but the thoughts of which are not the most important now.

H.

...


And to think, I almost thought it was a bad idea?


The Internet DIDN't break. Nor my computer, and yet I hadn't checked facebook in almost a week. AND MY[?] WORLD STOPPED. without me knowing. Whent the time comes, when facebook remains the only source of keeping in touch, in a world with many other means,
should
we
just
give
up?

And then I discovered remembered why I don't think this  is really such a bad idea. FUCK you! I really couldn't care what you think [and you can see it hurts].

Would you like to hear a story?

A: I hate these night shifts.
B: why?
A: Because no-one does anything, at least during the day, the crew do the work [and i don't have to pick up the slack]
B: hmmm.
C [in background] : screaming about nothing in particular... doing anything but work.
A: prime example [c]


[time passes]


C: so you don't like me huh?
A: thats not what I said. I don't like the fact you do fuck all.
C: gee lighten up, stop being so serious, have some fun.


Would you like to hear the truth?


A: nothing will ever come of it anyway. [give up now?]
B: you wonder why opportunities pass you up. they  told me they're never going to give you one, with the way you act. this is fact.
C: you're lucky to still be working there as it is.


How about some more? [while I'm at it].

I couldn't be happier getting away. Truly.
Like the cool change, on the 38 degree day, this change might  will be good.
And you don't have to say it. I can see through your words anyway. You won't miss me.

Though even then, I am the expert at avoidance within presence. [this has been proven]

loosing one's mirth? If you ever do try something, give me the courtesy of a phonecall won't you? [you never know, I might join in].

H.


you fucking better believe you just read that.

...

Sure, it wasn't as big or as loud, or even as party-like, but somehow, it seemed more stimulating. Conversation about normal things, the weather, the weekend, the future. None of this flashing lights, high heels, short skirts, with shits and giggles business.

And you know what; the best conversation I had all evening was with the person I've seen 3 times in the past 12 months.

AND you know what else; no. actually. you don't deserve to know this. I'm [for once] not going to tell you.


H.

...

 past nights spent sitting upon the thought-filled verge of nothing, yeilded some respite; i knew other people had these feelings too. 

But lately it seems, that things are fixed [on the most part] for the other people and here i am, with the same old feeling.

I can say it now, it comes when I'm tired. And I reckon I've been tired since last year. [not much of a claim that is it...] Oh what I wouldn't kill for a solid 8+ hours.

None-the less, these feelings are back here again, and they're plaguing me now, and despite my knowledge of knowing why they are here [that all important question], I don't seem to be able to fix this problem me.



H.

Its almost dawning on me, that it might be time to get out that old black book again... But that was so two thousand and nine.

Standing here, all i want to do is scream and yell at you. And yet i can see where you're coming from, and why your saying what you are.

But yet, i really couldn't care. I was told not to burn bridges, but sometimes doing so makes you feel that little bit better, almost as if i might be able to cope. We'll see i guess.

...
I forgot.
I forget.
I have forgotten.
I am forgetting.




J.

...

Number One;
At my current place of employment there seems to be about a 90second gap between when a customer places and order, and when the milk has hit the regulation 60degrees to become their skinny decaf extra-shot latte. Now in our heavily focused customer delight training we're told to make small talk  with the customer whilst waiting for their coffee, with the weather and their agenda for the rest of the day, usually being choice options.

So today circa 11:30 a regular came in to order his usual tall hazelnut latte, when the temperature of late came up.

Customer: Its been hot lately ey?
Me: oh? I wouldn't really know... I just got back from holidays last night actually...
Customer: Oh yeah, that's right... you were going to Cowes this week weren't you...?


Number Two.
After I finally got my roster for this week, I realised that my hair appointment with Juliet lay smack bang in the middle of one of my shifts, and so I decided to call them up and reschedule. I recently changed hairdressers, and this would be my SECOND time visiting [the first being a month and a half ago...]

Juliet: Hi, Perri's Hairdressing, this is Juliet
Me: Oh hi, I made an appointment last week for Wednesday morning with you, and I was just wondering if I could change it to possibly Thursday?
Juliet: Yeah, that should be fine.... now that's Hughes.. H-U-G-H-E-S isn't it...? Ahh.. yes, H. Hughes... here's your file....


LIKE WTF? she knew my voice from 6 weeks ago?

what can I say, obviously I'm pretty memorable. LOL.


H.

...
Did I expect the world to stop when I was away? No. 

I won the lottery. I went to the Island. And now I'm back.
Strange isn't it? The way a holiday changes a whole perspective. The way one week away from it all, leaves a sense of isolation, but relaxation too. Relaxing Isolation. Yep; thats holidays for you.

And then WHAM, straight back to reality. Back to work [in 6 hours and 15 minutes]. Back to this trialsome existence [the saga WILL be resolved this year, I told myself so on the first]. Back to the dread and sorrow [knox private monash medical this time.]. Back to dealing with the situation [ are we still playing along with this tired old line? ] Back to EVERYTHING.

And you know what? EVERYTHING SUCKS.

But you know what? I DON'T CARE. Because life's too short to deal with these things, so [here's the heads up jess] I'm going on holiday again. OVERSEAS bitches. Maybe. Hopefully. Probably. I'm about 60% certain. [inside joke anyone?]

PS. Double Kudos for reading this.

Did I want it to? Yes.


H.


PSS. I'm not tomato-red for once.
PSSS. The freckles are beginning to join.
PSSSS. 'Oi, YOU! you know you have red hair?' - LOL. Even PI has its share of ranga jokes [lame ones at that.]

Don't get me wrong, i can see the downside of all that sand and sun, but somehow these downsides are also the reason why i love visiting the seaside so very much.

From the blaring sun, to the sand in, well everything, the little things culminate in the total pleasing experience. Well to me at least. Sure, sand in your ham sandwich and the sheer awkwardness of folding those complicated sun shelters in gale force winds, without blowing sand in othes peoples faces, might be annoying, but i LOVE these things just the same.

Just like that dreaded chafeing which we all know is coming, and the long stiflingly hot walk back to the car is gladly endured for that overwhelming happy mood the cold refreshing waves bring.

Essentially, i love the beach.

<b>H.</b>

I scoffed and jeered and let those 'how could you', 'why would you' words slip out of my mouth, but i get it now...

I watched, by your bedside as time past us by. I sat by your bedside as time past us by. I stood by your bedside as time past me by. I kneel by your graveside as time past you by.

Not just yet.

This is always coming. It is always coming. I always knew this. You always knew this.

Then why is your/our/anyone's demise so fucking full of sadness? The meloncholic journey from the realms of hospital corridors to the mortuary stares us in the face almost daily, and yet we live on, just to spite that hooded scythe-laden creature.

I/you can see your fate laid out before us/you/me, and when this much has past, i guess we all know that the end is always near.

...

Happy twenty ten. why? because its twenty ten.


You'd think by now I'd have gotten used to this, but it seems not. Evidentially ignoration is once again back on the table, and despite what you might say, I actually tried this time. Maybe then, despite how hard either of us try to avoid/fix/help/worsen the problem which is obviously here, things aren't going to change. we need to accept this. I need to accept this.

done. (?)

...

if


(Person A + Person B) - time = Best Friends


and


Person B + Person C = Best Friends.


therefore,


Person A = Person C + time.



H.

...

H.