Why?

Today I think i'll take the scenic route.

Tomorrow I'll deal with life.

Later on I might decide.

I can feel myself moving, with the sway and jolt of the carriage, but everything else seems wrong...

Somewhere between Werribee and Little River is a stretch of land so desolate that not a light can be seen on this cloudy night.

Combined with the garish fluorescent reflection on every window, all outside sight is blinded, yielding the strangest sensation of stagnation. I just hope that sooner or later we do actually reach south geelong.

H.

Need i say more.... ?

I will though, and you knew that already...

For the record, i'm really not liking the concept of everyone behind me reading me type this, but I shall cope, for now.

'are you ready for the epicness in grand proportions?'

i'm going to say yes, but i'm really not sure.

H.

I tried, I really did. I always thought the distance would kill everything, but somehow I grasped at some sort of hope that maybe, maybe I could defeat what they said would happen. Whats life without hope after all? Though, really, I were always irrelevant. 'Me'.

You know though, I shouldn't be surprised. 


I get it, I really do. And besides which, you're not the only one. I guess I just thought it'd be different somehow. Like the x years of knowing me would somehow affect something. And  just for the record, just because you're polite and go along with the things I say/do doesn't mean I don't know that you feel like you should be making the effort.

Sometimes[now], I just feel used.



H.

The so-called angsty post has been replaced by nothing, because if the past 18 months have taught me one thing, these things won't trigger change, and thats ultimately what i'm looking for.

Sometimes I think i'm effie, and when I do I feel overwhelmingly guilty on behalf of freddie, panda, katie, cook, jayjay.

Sorry.

Sometimes it occurs to me that I am two different people, and it scares me, sometimes...

And sometimes I think that i should tell someone, but then I remember the coward that I am.

But then sometimes I just don't care, yell 'fuck the world' at the top of my lungs and realise it doesn't even matter..., sometimes.

This day has potential, its pregnant.

Its just so good to be home... Now that I'm here. But change is always refreshing at first. I give myself a week till I want to go back.

And if its crossed your mind that I have uni in 10 hours, and work in 5, I know, I should be asleep. I am in bed though, and I was trying, but you can blame the ridiculous overnight shift I did last night and then accidentally sleeping in till 3 this afternoon, as to why I'm not even tired now.

You know what, I must like this place more? Yesterday I was in the same position, 4 hours till work, pressure to sleep for fear of retribution (in the form of tiredness) later, and yet now I really don't seem that worried. Maybe that has something to do with 'who' I am here. The luxury of starting fresh 5 months ago was ultimately a godsend.

Maybe it's just a welcome distraction from everything that went down these past three weeks? Although, I'm not sure the resolution was the one I wanted, still. And so every night as I lie in bed I ask that same question, 'who am I?', the answer still unknown. You know, this don't feel right, but then who knows what we feel?

I know its just the way timing worked, but that still doesn't mean it doesn't annoy the hell out of me. WHY? Jealousy appears to be the answer, and the root of all evil. Just don't forget me or who you are.

I miss you already, and we weren't anything to start with. I hate this. And I hate the way he could guess straight out. In both respects.


I think, sometimes.
H.

We made plans to kiss the sun at night- hopeless dreamers, hopeless times. Shedding skin you show your beauty scars- don't forget me or who you are. You know this don't feel right. Who knows what we feel?


I just met you, I can read your thoughts. What they tell me is what I want. I keep you guessing, I keep you wanting more 'cos where we're going no-one knows. You know this don't feel right. Who knows this could feel right? I just met you, I swear I read your thoughts, so don't forget me or what you want. 


Light up the stage, make your move and give me something, So I can dance in your light and to your rhythm. Who we are in this masquerade of stars. Tear off the mask, the face you hide is one I'm missing.


We made plans to kiss the sun at night- hopeless dreamers, hopeless times. While we're standing, while we're standing still. I won't forget what was promised you.




You know this don't feel right.




Who knows what we feel?

we've moved to http://sub-vocal.blogspot.com/, update your address-books!


H.

...then why am I sitting here wishing you would call and give me an opportunity to say 'yes'?


This is just fucked up.


I am just fucked up.








H.

I got my hands up- they're playing my song and I know I'm going to be ok, but somehow I knew this was bound to happen. who was I kidding? You know what, indecision or not I am sorry. And for the record I still don't know, and didn't want to say- I know if I did you'd always think their was/is hope. And so I said those fatal words and it was done, feeling almost instantly like I'd made the wrong decision, but the quiet regret is only the consequence of plaguing guilt, right? The full circle. The start and end almost poetic, same place, same time, different month. Just like that, the butterflies fly away- its a party in the USA.




I saw those tears trying to escape.


I saw the emotion you tried to hide.


I saw the doubt in your words.


I saw the logic in your thinking.


I saw you.


I saw the excuse in my apology.


I saw how pathetic I am.


You saw the true me.




H.

And just like that, the reserved silence was broken by the fractured sentences of anguished words. The usual calm banished for the quiet resentment and lonely emotions. The waves of unrest billowing out across the house, as the disagreement came all too much to bare. And then came the inevitable why?




H.