This.


H.

しかし、何も事項私はあなたを愛しているから。


H.

Watshi ha wakarimasenn. Watashi no tokidoki ha sakebimasu. Demo, atode watshi hamamadesu. Wakarimasenn. Anata wa, watashi ga amarini mo ōku o kitai suru yōna kibun ni sa seru. Soshite watashi wa gizen-tekina kanji. Wareware wa, saigo ni subete no tawagoto no hitodakara。

ハ.

This is what it is.

This has been a long time coming. And despite that, I'm still at a loss of what to actually write. What this all comes down to is resentment and jealousy. I guess this is the product of my own doing, and I can only blame myself.


None of you were surprised, and indeed many were expecting. So I wonder why I felt the need to keep to myself all these years. The resentment I feel  towards myself, for denying who I am all these years (to what means?), even if just to others, is what's really eating me up inside.


This is where the jealously comes in.

Nothing specific.

Just you.

I could say the way you have this natural ability to outshine everyone. The way, somehow, you just make people like you. Or the way you seem to just have everything you want, worked for or not. But ultimately I'm jealous of your conviction. That you've never felt the need to hide yourself from anyone, or anything. For it feels like I've wasted all these years trying to be something I'm not (for myself more than others), and missed the opportunity to really live, until now. I look back into the past, I knew who I was. And now you do too.

H.

You may have noticed.

It's gonna be a long long journey
It's gonna be an uphill climb
It's gonna be a tough fight
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I'm ready to carry on
I'm so glad the worst is over
I can start living now,
I feel like I can do anythin'


I told myself I'd retire this. I told her I wouldn't write this.


There's some sort of closure I can't seem to find, without writing something here.


I just don't know.


and I guess I never will.

There are some (little) things which just make my day. I've been trying to compile a list of those small moments  but usually they're forgotten as soon as they pass. If you've ever watched Amelie from [some French city starting with Montmarter...(I don't remember now)], think of the opening dialogue; 'This is Amile, she enjoys...(Its been that long I also don't remember any of those things now. I should watch it again.)'.

Today's moment, well actually there's been a few today, so today's most recent moment occurred while taxi-ing down runway 33L at Sydney international. Without going into so much detail, the take off was rather rushed due to curfew's and delays (follow the full story on twitter), and when we finally did get the confirmation that we were indeed heading to Avalon tonight, spontaneous applause erupted, half in thanks to the efficient crew, half in a congratulatory self appreciation in our own collective efforts in the hasty boarding.

Long story short, spontaneous applause is (yet another) one of those life reassuring moments.

With an unrequited love
When your passion’s exultation,
Finding refuge is not enough


It strikes me that sometimes you unnecessarily need to compete. I don't have a problem with this, or you, I just wonder about the implications for you in the long-run.

No matter what you say, I can think how I like, and what I like. Sometimes the concept of personal space is lost.

You're throwing around the L-word like there's no tomorrow, despite me making it clear things were never going to happen. And (then) still you claim your intentions are not what they seem.


Oh, memories, where’d you go?
You were all I’ve ever known.
How I miss yesterday
And I let it fade away

H.