We share something so common
Still so rare, uncommon all
Never been here before
So high, we're still climbing
Even here inside these walls
Breaking each others hearts
And we don't care cause we're so;

In too deep, can't think about giving it up
But I never knew love would feel like a heart attack
It's killing me, swear I never cried so much
Cause I never knew love would hurt this fucking bad
The worst pain that I ever had.

Never knew love would hurt this fucking bad
The worst pain that I ever had.

Outta times when I know I should be smiling
Seems to be the time that I frown the most
Can't believe that we still suffering
Cause I'm slowly breaking down
Even when I hold you close
And if I lose you
I'm afraid I would lose who
I gave my love to
That's the reason I stay around
Even though I fell way.

In too deep, can't think about giving it up
But I never knew love would feel like a heart attack
It's killing me, swear I never cried so much
Cause I never knew love would hurt this fucking bad
The worst pain that I ever had.

Never knew love would hurt this fucking bad
The worst pain that I ever had

And it hurts,
Cause I wanna leave, and you wanna leave
But the loves keeps us together

And if I lose you
I'm afraid I would lose who
I gave my love to
That's the reason I stay around
Even though I fell way

In too deep, can't think about giving it up
But I never knew love would feel like a heart attack
It's killing me, swear I never cried so much
Cause I never knew love would hurt this f*ck*n' bad
The worst pain that I ever had

Never knew love would hurt this fucking' bad
The worst pain that I ever had.

H.

The worst part, this no longer feels like living. 

H.

 

Come on skinny love, just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right at the moment this order's tall
 

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

And in the morning, I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

And now all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Come on skinny love
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

I guess the ultimate irony is the discovery of a series of never-posted blogs, saying everything I feel I need to. Go me, always efficient.


H.

'Well honestly I'm still slightly confused but thank you for explaining'

'It was very sexual. I got to a point where I just hid the Facebook notifications.'

'I really don't understand that boy at all'

'I can only vaguely remember doing something like that on the Internet, but I can't honestly tell you if it was a dating site or something else now.'

'This is even better than that movie... sorry.'

'Don't ever feel foolish for trusting, that's what relationships are about.'

'I find myself reading up on Blanche. Wow, it fits almost perfectly. Good call.'

H.

This ain't a good time, but when is it ever?
I know the perfect time; but maybe that's never.

You know those mornings you check the weather before leaving the house, trying to decide what to wear? You know it's going to rain sooner or later, but for some strange reason you leave the umbrella at home, probably in an attempt to fool yourself into thinking the morning sunshine would last forever.

I can understand why you're afraid. I can understand how you came to be. But I just still can't understand you.

I'm just not sure when love and hurt began to mean the same thing.


Okay, it's on you. You can hurt me tomorrow.


H.

Every morning I get up, rub my eyes, and look at myself in the mirror; wondering how I got here.

Words coming from the smallest person, are small too.

Maybe this was just a summer thing. For you. I can't even bare to look at you now.

Every evening I wash my face, and look at myself in the mirror; hoping tomorrow will be different.

H.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwAZmFYzlos

This is the one you've all been waiting for. The one where things are said, later regretted. A passage, where no safe route exists. I simply can't even bring myself to write anything.

Maybe because I'm over all of this.

Maybe because the apathy is just so; I don't even care anymore.

Maybe just because.

Irrelevance is heightening, feelings are quietening, and seemingly somehow love just is not.


H.

Somewhere between now and then, things happened, words were said, lives were changed. Everyone but you could see the fear in my eyes.

Blinded,

obsessed,

consumed.

H.

There's something poetic about sitting here, alone, not even another customer to keep me company.

My order remains constant, always the skinny Latte.

Heart is lost
Like a lost little one
I can’t stop
Thinking there’s something I forgot…

Young one,
there’s a big sun,
and my love
shines on!

Hopelessness
well it’s over now
Spiritus
you’re still with me somehow

Young one,
there’s a big sun,
and my love
shines on

  H.


Lisa Mitchell - Spiritus

"It’s odd, thinking about death while being an atheist. To understand that afterward, you are simply not.

Dawkins and Hitchens both know that what is coming is permanent. There is no happy ending, with no chance of reunion or redemption in some other plane. Death will be a final parting, permanent and absolute.

In that embrace, it’s not just that Hitchens means a great deal to Dawkins. It’s knowing that soon, they’ll be separated by eternity. And yet, in infinite time and space, two motes of consciousness, against unfathomable odds, simply had the opportunity to enjoy a brief lucidity of life and touch each other in some small way before returning forever to the endless naught.

Honestly, there is absolutely nothing more important than the realization that this life, the single life we have, is all and everything that we will ever have; when it’s over, it’s over. In a way, it gives life more sanctity and meaning than any religion could dream."


J.

Ref: http://imgur.com/r/atheism/MtkXz (Arion VIII)

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I've spent on you
Where are the times gone baby
It's all wrong, we're at the place we made for two
If happy ever after did exist I would still be holding you like this
And all those fairytales are full of shit
One more fucking love song I'll be safe
You turned your back on tomorrow
Cause you forgot yesterday I gave you my love to borrow
But just gave it away
You can't expect me to be a friend
I don't expect you to care I know I said it before
But all of our bridges burnt down I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralysed
Still stucked in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise

 H.

This.


H.

I was going to avoid commenting because I thought that it was eloquent enough, but the grammatical errors are just that bit too annoying to not mention. So I did, and I have. (*were)




H.




1. Santayana George,  The Life of Reason: Reason in Common Sense (2nd ed.), Charles Scribner's Sons, New York 1924

Him

I know this is actually a round-about way of saying Happy Birthday, but I'd prefer to make those words true than wish them to be so.

Happy Birthday Luke.

H.

しかし、何も事項私はあなたを愛しているから。


H.

Watshi ha wakarimasenn. Watashi no tokidoki ha sakebimasu. Demo, atode watshi hamamadesu. Wakarimasenn. Anata wa, watashi ga amarini mo ōku o kitai suru yōna kibun ni sa seru. Soshite watashi wa gizen-tekina kanji. Wareware wa, saigo ni subete no tawagoto no hitodakara。

ハ.

This is what it is.

This has been a long time coming. And despite that, I'm still at a loss of what to actually write. What this all comes down to is resentment and jealousy. I guess this is the product of my own doing, and I can only blame myself.


None of you were surprised, and indeed many were expecting. So I wonder why I felt the need to keep to myself all these years. The resentment I feel  towards myself, for denying who I am all these years (to what means?), even if just to others, is what's really eating me up inside.


This is where the jealously comes in.

Nothing specific.

Just you.

I could say the way you have this natural ability to outshine everyone. The way, somehow, you just make people like you. Or the way you seem to just have everything you want, worked for or not. But ultimately I'm jealous of your conviction. That you've never felt the need to hide yourself from anyone, or anything. For it feels like I've wasted all these years trying to be something I'm not (for myself more than others), and missed the opportunity to really live, until now. I look back into the past, I knew who I was. And now you do too.

H.

You may have noticed.

It's gonna be a long long journey
It's gonna be an uphill climb
It's gonna be a tough fight
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I'm ready to carry on
I'm so glad the worst is over
I can start living now,
I feel like I can do anythin'


I told myself I'd retire this. I told her I wouldn't write this.


There's some sort of closure I can't seem to find, without writing something here.


I just don't know.


and I guess I never will.