The boat was actually plan C.
The church, was plan B,
and plan A was marrying her a long long time ago, pretty much the day I met her. 

H.

If you ever need a little happiness,

H.

I've come to conclude you only say those things out of jealousy. I don't mind, it gets the best in us most of the time.


H.

A guy came up to me on the street today, gave me his business card, and said I shall could him. Turns out he was the 'Scouting Director' for some no-name modelling agency called Primodels. Yeah go on, have a laugh now.

Obviously I'm not going to pursue this particular career (though as Jas' points out, if the whole doctor thing fails, at least I have a back-up plan), but it really got me thinking. See this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened, back in year 12, our year-book had these stupid award things, of which a select few nominated people for. Obviously I won the 'Best Ranga'  award, but I was also nominated for 'Australia's Next Top  Model', didn't win, sadly(sarcasm). The thing is though, at the time I was 95% sure those 24 people were taking the piss, like on those American movies where the 'Hot' girl chats up the geek as a laugh for all her friends. Same sorta thing yeah?

And then again, I'm 95% sure Paul from the street only gave me his card to get free advertising/interest in his business. After all he's in it to make money.

life in disarray.

cue the thinking music.




H.

Surprising how little money, but so little effort.

#life

H.

'It used to be about finding a cure, but now the focus is on prevention.'
This way of thinking applies to the current situation too, it seems.




J.

I've decided I'm streamlining my life.

I've gone long enough trying to keep up with everything.

I'll let you know if you've made the cut.




H.

I thought to my self; JKAHDJKAHDSAKJNKAND. I am so annoyed with you right now. Then I remembered how petty this is, and came to the conclusion I'd be no better than him (if I did that). And so, you caught a break this time, and you're still on the 'OK' list.




H.

don't you think you're being a little over dramatic?


H.

THIS IS FUCKING BITCHIN. I HATE THIS STUPID INTERNET. 


When I get 10% for my MCQ's you'll know why...... spending half the time looking at a loading screen is not conducive to sticking within the ten minute time limit.


H.

I fricken love you. 


S.

"Can people change? I don't know. People are who they are, plus or minus fifteen percent. That's how much people can change if they want to, whether it's for themselves or the people they love. Yeah, fifteen percent. But you know what? Sometimes that's just enough."




J.

You wanted honesty, how about this? I'm sitting here asking myself why I feel this way, why I don't know what to do, why I've already written three posts in the past 2 hours, and I've come to the conclusion its you. For everyone else, all those other people, all those best friends  you're perhaps the one who gets me. I see the way you look at me, the way you talk to me, the way you act around me, and I know we'll be friends for ever.

So much for no expectations ey? And I guess, the fact you're obviously still annoyed with me, and we're both too stubborn to give in, scares me. I've been down this road before, I know where this is headed. I know how that turned out, and I'm not prepared to do that again. Little things are always the beginning of big things.

If its worth anything, I miss you.


H.

but see, I think people are made out for more than disappointment . (J.T. Foo 2011)

H.

I'm trying something new, (in line with the whole new year, new life idea) and its going to be fantastic; just remember this when you next see the new me. As far as life is concerned, I've decided the nice guys do finish last, but they remain to have the satisfaction. I'm not entirely sure which I prefer these days. Satisfaction just doesn't seem as.... satisfying... any more.

So maybe I did influence you, change  you. I'll have you know though, it goes both ways.

I'm not sure how exactly this is going to work, but for the moment I'm trying the opposite effect. I'll report back with my findings soon. In the mean-time amuse yourselves with your own life.


H.

fuck it. someone else do it.




H.

You know I saw a photo the other day, from October 2009, and cringed. It wasn't because I had ridiculous hair, and it wasn't because my ugly face was in it. The simple reminder of that place on that hill invoked feelings of utter disgust. So sure, you might be afraid now, that uncertain future, but you must remember that good friends follow you, the bad don't. And as for that institution, it slips away quietly until you forget it even existed.




H.

The only reason I'm writing this here is because I'm not going to reply(directly) again. I'm not continuing this pointless argument.

It still has nothing really to do with him. It still has everything to do me wanting to keep work here, and not be forced back to hamburgers, (mostly so I can actually see you during the year). It also still has everything to do with me actually achieving that Dr. Harry  dream, and so I'm sorry to say this, but study and exams take priority here.

No reply is necessary.


H.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but sometimes I think the day after is almost more enjoyable. Sitting in quiet contemplation, reflecting on the stupid actions, recovering from the night's adventures. Times like these, when all immediate memory seems to be consumed by the fun times makes everything, all this, just seem ok.




H.

You know what, that smile on my face is no indication of feeling. Apart from the fact I'm sick of the way this friendship seems to be working, I'm also sick of you.


H.

For the record though, I maintain my split personality, the divide appearing somewhere near 3030. The quiff and confidence may well be, the insecurity and fear abundant.


H.

 I want to believe that this could be real, that all of this, the lying, the scheming and the cheating could  would eventually amount to something worthwhile. I'm still hopin', but in the mean-time I guess the meander through existence will be enough for entertainment currently.

So here's to the life unexpected, the plan's foiled and the dreams shattered, because expectations are nothing more than worthless attempts to control fate and half-hearted attempts at that.


and on the seventh day, the resolution hast put to dust, the realisation that nothing ever changes trumps all good will.


H.

You know what I don't get though- is why you bothered to invite me in the end anyway?




H.

And i think in my mind, as I hear the shutter whurring and the screen rolls the final credits, why should I care? Because it breaks my heart...

Sometimes I wonder the meaning of all of this...

You know something though, she was right, and so was I. I can't help the way I feel about you. And the worst part is I'm not sure its ever changed. Why someone never woke me up to reality I'll never know... I can't believe it took me this long to realise.

You know what? Fuck you. 'sleep' just happens to be a major part of my life, a third to be exact. So yes, I am going to buy a $55 pair of Peter Alexander pajamas to match the $300 Egyption cotton Sheridan sheets, and you're just going to have to deal with that.

H.

Why does it feel like we haven't spoken in forever?!

Oh, wait, that's because we haven't.

H.

This is the obligatory post. The one, like Christmas which, is full of that holiday cheer we all know and love. Like the year culminating in tonight, this moment right here, seems apt. Ever year, those same old resolutions get wished for, and every year we find excuses as to why we should be wishing for the same one again for the forth year running. Like the cliche goes though, this year will be different. Actually wait, I'll be different this year.

H.