This is the third attempt at writing this. The first was too specific, enough details to ruin many a surprise. The second was so arrogant even my extreme modestly (joke) was making me cringe. Third time's a charm yes?

So I know that this is probably coming far too late, considering I've heard talk of organising presents for people with birthdays as far off as January, but please, don't buy me anything.

I'd prefer a card with a genuine message over anything any day. The things I want in this life can't be bought with money, and so a simple hug, the obligatory 'happy birthday', and a renewed subscription to your friendship is all I could ask for.

Something with thought  and effort is worth more than anything. See, I have money, I can buy things. I can't buy you.

On the off-chance you're super organised, disregard this message.

H.

How can I be the solution when I'm the problem?

H

So boycott love, detox just to retox
And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life
Imperfect boys with their perfect lives
Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy


H.

The very fact I'm even writing this seems just all to cliché. It may be better suited to the depths of some inner journal, diary even, but the simple fact I don't own one has meant you all get to see these thoughts.

*cue the thinking music*


What can I say? It's just been that sort of week (well three days, so far). Flashback to Sunday night and I found myself somehow neck deep into a conversation I had never really had, well in any great detail at least. All things I'd thought I'd considered before, dismissed, not for me. You made me question myself. You, without even realising it, had caused a major frame-shift.

"I was going to ask about your opinion."

"That's going to take awhile"

 And, I don't think I can answer that now, even with 36 hours of contemplation. But, I guess it takes some people their entire lives to figure these things out.

And then, by sheer coincidence I found myself having the same conversation with the other party of thinking. And for whatever reason, although in complete agreement, I found myself in defence. Strange. This particular you-tube video (which started the conversation) in all its creative logical argumentative was saying all the things I'd been saying for the past 10 years, and yet I still felt sceptical about the sceptic.

And as if I hadn't had enough I decided I'd catch up on Glee, Season 2 Episode 3 to be exact. And yet more fuel to the fire. And I guess, nothing's really changed, I just felt the need to write down these thoughts for further contemplation.

In some way, I miss the act of going but not necessarily the teachings. And I'll happily admit lulling myself into believing does almost provide a limited sense of belonging, but then the absurdness of someone like me  believing dawns and the feeling vanishes as quick as it came.

Maybe, I need to broaden my experience. Without any offence intended, I think the week-long exposure in June of last year alienated my thinking more than recruiting me, which I'm sure you're going to say wasn't the point, but there was always that element to that experience. I think, going forward, I need to try something less (full on?) for want of a better adjective.

H.

You confuse me.

You confuse me.

You don't understand me.

You do.




H.

The world goes around, unbeknownst to you.




H.

Effort: earnest and conscientious activity intended to do or accomplish something


Maybe, contrary to the past year's thinking, it is not always a measure of effort. Instead its the simple question on whether its there to begin with. For if you really do 'make the effort' with some people, more often than not this act of kindness/kinship/whatever else you were doing is not a conscious decision, and such really can't be termed as an 'effort'.  Conversely, when it feels like you have to put in work just to talk to someone (aka effort), perhaps you should tell them this, and save yourselves a great deal of trouble.


H.

Strangest feeling... almost as if I've forgotten how to live? You see, I'm not used to spending nights at home in Melbourne? I mean sure, I have stayed down here several times during the year, but usually for the purpose of 'going out', and hence don't usually have the problem of trying to fill this void with something. And with everyone busy busy busy with exams and work and exams and work and their respective lives, I'm sitting here wondering what I'm supposed to be doing with mine?






H.

Have you ever lost your mind, finding streets you couldn't find?




So I'm back in the big smoke. Just thought you'd like to know.




And our day was based on fantasy, but we never knew.


H.

Don't forget to vote! ->


(or if you're reading via RSS, stop being lazy and make two clicks. :P)




H.

times like these, I'm thankful I spent the extra $$ on this pc. H.

p.s. go to sleep!

J.

The PMS feelings of angst can't always be cured with hormone replacement therapy. Sometimes good old-fashioned shouting achieves the same goal.




H.