to bear and raise children so you won't die a long lonely death.




H.

This stupid fucking shit of a life. WHY can't I just have ONE good day?

You and You and You. = :]. Much more than just life without fish and smooth moves, happiness in an otherwise mediocre week.

BUT THEN!; the world decides I can't shouldn't be happy, and I find myself back on motorway one.

no hope.

no love.

no glory.

no happy endings.

[this was the post supposed to be dedicated to the fact of your combined greatness, but instead got hijacked. sorry.]


H.

Despite the fact I still can't get my washing machine to start, and the guy who reads the gas meter caught me in my pajamas eating breakfast, I've just decided that today is a good day. :)

It seems to happen in increasing regularity lately...
That feeling to which you've pointed out to me countless times...


Standing on the edge of my driveway under the incandescent glow of the flickering streetlight contemplating life, and the things which lead me to that moment; the drizzle providing that extra sense of gloom, impending feelings of suffocation, loneliness, isolation. The hired moving truck reaching the bottom of the street, rounding the corner and off into the distance, carrying with it loved-ones and thoughts of far-away places. This is 'me' now. This is who I am. The moment, and all surreality lasted for what seemed an eternity, eventually being replaced with silence. The silence of nothing.

For what its worth, it's far better than what it could have, should have been. Its home, [now] and then its not. Judge me, please, but the thing its missing most is not the furniture or people, but rather the little things that tell you 'someone else live here'. The rearrangement of the fridge, the damp 'other' towel, the dirty dishes in the sink. Somehow the knowledge that everything will be just as you left it is quite terrifying.

And if you haven't got this much yet; these are my insecurities coming out.

Next time I come up; I'm bringing my cat [I've decided]. [Now I just feel like some lonely old person].


H.

It's time to update your address books...:)

Complaining about not being able to buy a pie on the warrnambool 7.47 service on the way home to portland after a night of drunken adventures of maccas runs, flashing, and trashing hotel rooms.

Could there be anything more 'australian'?

Ps. This wasn't me btw.

Tales of said night out just for others amusement, and a loud proclamation of 'never drinking again'. When the weary eyes of last call at 4am combine with the fresh faces of the day, the contrast poignant. Jealous of the nights adventures, jealous of a full nights sleep.

...

You know what, you've actually learnt nothing. And I'm not sure why I'm surprised.

H.

...

"Listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door; let's go."

See you there?





J.

You know, I'm still not convinced you're entirely getting the point of this. This is not a point system, or a way of gratifying individuals on merit for the effort they make.

This is this. It is what it is. In the same very way I'm not about to blow your trumpet just because you asked, or because you deserve. Thats just it, isn't it. You, you are more than words can write. You are that person I'd choose to see over just about anyone else. You are someone who should know, that our friendship exceeds any realm of recognition by words on the internet.

By the same token, I get this. I get you. And why you'd be jealous, or annoyed or whatever else I can't think of words to describe. So this one's for you, so you know that despite not being mentioned here often enough, that you're not forgotten. Never.

And just in case you missed it, this one's about you.

To you, it might just be an arbitry beep of your horn. It could even be the simple, 'goodbye', or just the fact you recognise me. But you know, it all counts, and it all helps.

Your concern about me, your enthusiasm towards the whole prospect of seeing me outside of university, the time you take out of your life to acknowledge my presence makes this whole situation worth getting out of bed for. So thank you, all of you.

...
The beginning.


Devil Child.

...

Hey you,

When I look at the things that reflect my life, nothing much has changed, really.

C.

...
In other more exciting news; DSO HAS CRASHED.

and so instead of doing the prescribed pre-reading for the next three hours of lectures, I can only sit here and contemplate existence on blogger, with the occasional facebook check. AND THERES NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Sometimes you've just gotta love technical difficulties.


H.

Glossary;
 -DSO - 'Deakin Studies Online'; the online database where lecture and tute notes, powerpoints and recordings are posted early viewing and printing.

...

CAN I JUST SAY!


I feel almost snobbish for rejecting your kind offer of help... regard the furnishing of number 4/22. And thinking about it, I AM. But that's me. You knew that. [this is not justification]

And it shouldn't make you 'lol'. It should make you annoyed; you went to the effort of helping only to be dismissed and overlooked. So I guess... sorry. :(. I'll try  harder next time. I promise.



H.

...

1. I'll miss our stupid moments in parks and trees and forgetting anything else even mattered.
B. I'll miss our corner moments in the days of our lives.
iii. I'll miss our erratic breakfasts and random catch ups.
four. I'll miss our saga and the fact it was always heading this way.
5. I still have your cooler thing from Aust. Day... miss you too.
vi. I'll miss those displacing opportunities and the chance to break your mold.
G. I'll miss the spontaneous outings to ice-cream and Huntingdale.




H.

...



J.

...
 
keyword: eventually.
everything happens, eventually.

change, travels, endings, breaking bridges, "it's over", growing up; everything.
as the fragments of could have's, should have's and could have been's sing you to sleep,
don't forget that "the world is your oyster".
or, whatever.
I was never good at optimism.

J.

...

HEY! YOU! YES YOU!

The moments of worth, intertwined with the knowledge of middle-school emotional types and the constant disappointment; the longing for that subway away from here. Boosting confidence in picturing the idealistic values in an erratic frame of mind, bodes well for the butcher visit this Friday.

yeah. I'm not really bad, but don't tell my mum and dad.

H.

...

What is someone like you doin in a place like this? Did you come alone or did you bring all your friends? I'll never be the same if we ever meet again. Do you come here much? I swear I've seen your face before. maybe.

We'll do it all- everything, on our own. We don't need anything or anyone. If I lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know how to say how I feel- those three words are said too much, their not enough. Forget what we're told- before we get too old show me a garden that's burning into life. Let's waste time, chasing cars around our heads.

H.

...

Whatcha say? That you only meant well? It's all for the best?

I tried. Failed. Tried. Failed. Perpetual cycle destined to forever repeat. And you don't care a bit.

H.

Do you ever think to yourself perhaps its time to stop thinking about the future and start thinking about the now? Eventually at some point you'll realise you've played your cards the whole time with the intent of 'winning' that you've forgotten the point of the game; to have fun.

You're justification, while respected, only serves to prove the initial hypotheses correct, but then that was always going to happen, wasn't it?

I hate the fact that its come to this, but i might point out that the 26th is fast approaching, and i'm making no promise to keep contact. Everyone knows how these things always unfold.

Week one: daily touch base.
Week two: emergence of new friends. Occasional words crossed.
Week three: replacement.

Love. Textbooks.

I need to learn to stop smiling seriously. it can't be a good thing.

The doubt crept in, as the marshall service crept past newport station. The 'short delay' did nothing but reinforce the apparent insanity of this decision.

But then, those familiar terrace houses flashed past the windows, as the rounded the bend, and i found myself smiling.

Despite the fact that i'm an hour late, and this desolate station yields nothing but the chilling wind and a nagging sense of being stranded, i WANT to be here.