This is what it is.

This has been a long time coming. And despite that, I'm still at a loss of what to actually write. What this all comes down to is resentment and jealousy. I guess this is the product of my own doing, and I can only blame myself.


None of you were surprised, and indeed many were expecting. So I wonder why I felt the need to keep to myself all these years. The resentment I feel  towards myself, for denying who I am all these years (to what means?), even if just to others, is what's really eating me up inside.


This is where the jealously comes in.

Nothing specific.

Just you.

I could say the way you have this natural ability to outshine everyone. The way, somehow, you just make people like you. Or the way you seem to just have everything you want, worked for or not. But ultimately I'm jealous of your conviction. That you've never felt the need to hide yourself from anyone, or anything. For it feels like I've wasted all these years trying to be something I'm not (for myself more than others), and missed the opportunity to really live, until now. I look back into the past, I knew who I was. And now you do too.

H.

You may have noticed.